


Belief

by Hermaline75



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Anal Sex, Cults, Delusions, M/M, Manipulation, Not a sex cult, Oral Sex, Switching, Unreliable Narrator, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-01
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-05-19 11:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 40
Words: 38,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14873327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hermaline75/pseuds/Hermaline75
Summary: In his police interviews and from the witness stand, Loki recounts how he met a charming man with strange ideas named Thor and accidentally joined a cult.Or at least, that's how he tells it.





	1. Interview Pt I

**Author's Note:**

> Those pictures of Chris Hemsworth playing ~~one man trying to find out who stole all his shirts~~ a mysterious cult leader gave me plot bunnies, what can I say?
> 
> Bears absolutely no relation to Bad Times at the El Royale (except by chance) I expect, not least because I'm incapable of writing dark!Thor.

_The fluorescent light buzzed just enough to give Loki the edge of a headache. He'd forgotten how horrible they could be, flickering away like that, all cold, harsh brightness. It was probably deliberate though. Putting him off-balance. The watery coffee in a polystyrene cup, the uncomfortable chair... The whole room was designed to make you nervous and easier to question._

_The table even had a stain on it. Coffee or blood? Probably the former. Could be either. Whatever it was, he had an incredible urge to clean it._

_He was rubbing at it with a thumb dampened with saliva when the police came in. Two of them, of course. Protocol. Both women. He'd already been patted down when he was arrested and when he was processed. He wasn't about to be searched again. It wasn't like he had anything on him anyway._

_"Loki Laufeyson, interview one."_

_Loki was barely listening as they recounted their names and the date, only coming back to himself when they asked him about legal advice._

_"I don't have a lawyer," he mumbled. "Can't afford one."_

_"You're entitled to a state-appointed solicitor if you wish."_

_Loki shook his head. He knew his rights. He didn't need someone to fight for him, not yet._

_"Do you know why you're here, Mr Laufeyson?"_

_What a gloriously stupid question. As if he could somehow not know_

_"Because of Thor," he said simply._

_"And who is Thor?"_

_Ah. They were playing that game. Making him explain everything in painfully precise detail. Questioning every little thing he said. Looking for mistakes._

_"Thor Odinson. Big blonde guy. The leader of the Utvalgte."_

_"And who are the Utvalgte?"_

_Loki sighed, leaning back in his chair in as much as that was even possible without breaking it. This was going to take a while, it seemed._

_"They're the people whose house you barged into in order to round them up about three hours ago. It literally means The Chosen, but I doubt the grammar is right. He got it straight out of a Norwegian dictionary. Look, this will all go a lot faster if you skip all the simple stuff and get to the point. Do you have Thor? Is he here? Is he safe?"_

_One of them was taking notes even though everything was being recorded. Real pen and paper notes. He'd done that, once upon a time. In another lifetime, it seemed. It was what got him into this mess._

_Well... Technically his own curiosity got him there. And a lack of self-preservation. And a weakness for confident, assured men. He always tried to think of himself as separate from Thor's followers, smarter, sticking around through choice, but deep down maybe he knew the truth. He was just the same as them. Thor had seen there was something he was missing and he'd given it to him. That was what he did._

_For some people it was a sense of belonging. Acceptance. Purpose. Safety more than anything. People who felt hopeless and alone and Thor told them that was not true. He helped them. It was a gift._

_In many ways, he wasn't a bad man. He was just... single-minded. He had a cause. And he had faith. Unshakable faith._

_Loki knew he was not a bad man. After all, he was the idiot who loved him best. The others might have worshipped him, followed him, but Loki loved him. And Thor loved him back._

_That was why sitting here, betraying him, broke Loki's heart a little._

_"Among other crimes, the people we arrested today are accused of embezzlement, fraud, money laundering, abduction, theft, drug offences and trepass. I'm sure you understand how serious these crimes are."_

_"Trespass doesn't sound so bad next to everything else," Loki offered, a little irritated. "Depends where you go, really."_

_They didn't so much as half smile._

_"We have witnesses who say you were Thor Odinson's second. That you held a lot of power and influence in the group."_

_That had Loki sitting up properly, urgently._

_"That is not true," he said. "They're mistaken."_

_"So you were not..." she flicked through her book to find another list of notes. "Sharing a room with him and by his side almost constantly as has been claimed?"_

_"Well, I was, yes, but I didn't have any power. I was just... Just there. I was his pet, to all intents and purposes. I wasn't in control of anything. I was a passenger."_

_That wasn't convincing, he could tell. And the others didn't know. All they knew was he was with Thor all the time, that they were a couple, they didn't know that he never gave him any advice._

_Almost never. Barely anything that Thor listened to anyway._

_"So you deny everything?"_

_Loki hesitated._

_"I deny being party to ultimate decisions," he said carefully. "Most of the crimes were committed before I... Before I ever met them. And I... I have no issue with renouncing the group and its actions."_

_He was treading carefully. Trying not to trip himself up. This was important._

_"What do you mean by that?"_

_He sighed again. This was going to hurt._

_"I'm the one who called the police," he said. "I'm the one who betrayed them. If you have the recording, you'll hear that it's me. If I was in control of all this, if I was completely happy, then why would I have done that? Why would I be shutting it all down?"_

_One of them glanced behind him to the camera recording their every move. Asking someone to go and check._

_Loki's hand trembled as he drank the remains of his lukewarm coffee._

_"Why don't you start from the beginning?" the other officer suggested. "How did you end up there in the first place? How did you meet Thor Odinson?"_

_It wasn't exactly a long story. Not really._

_Why not?_


	2. Two Years Previously

The wall was getting mouldy again. The extractor fan didn't do shit and having the heating on all the time to try to discourage it was way too expensive.

Loki scrubbed at it by hand, balanced on top of a kitchen chair to reach right up into the corner. Maybe the gutter was blocked and leaking, making the whole wall damp. Maybe that was it.

Wasn't like he was going to call his landlord out to look at it. He'd only be charged for the repair, probably double what it cost. Get marked down as a troublemaker.

He needed a story to sell. Something big. But, alas, journalism was more or less dead, especially in print. What he called journalism anyway. You were meant to find an outlet, preferably online, and then steal and recycle and twist things from other sources to fit the company line. And being against that was all well and good in principle, but it didn't put food on the table.

His other job did that, just about, but he still had enough pride to make him refuse to describe himself as "working in a supermarket cash room." All that money passing through his hands every day and so little of it coming to him...

The fungicide spray he was using made his head hurt. Probably poisoning himself trying to get rid of the spores. It would be just his luck.

The need for a story was what drove him to the meeting. He was attending every local event he could - as long as it was free, of course - just looking for something to write about. Local politics, community groups, outreach centres. Anything and everything, he wrote about it, hoping that someone he sent it to would like his work and either pay him, commission something bigger or - the ultimate dream - offer him a permanent position.

"Worried about the future?" the graffiti said. "Come along."

It was already intriguing on its own. Not a pamphlet, not a poster, just written on the wall. And not in paint or pen. It looked like... like jam almost. Smelled sweet and strange, attracting the odd fruit fly too. 

Writing vague questions on walls in preserve... Who did that kind of thing?

Probably sinister types, as his mother used to say.

Sinister was good. Sinister sold.

He ended up in a pub basement, badly lit and surrounded by a variety of people. Some of them were clearly regulars who hadn't known there was anything on. Young kids, students probably, just curious. Older hippie types.

Loki found himself a corner, glass of tap water with him, trying to be subtle as he set up his recorder - a rubbish, cheap one, temperamental at best but better than nothing.

He'd just settled in when he became aware of a faint disturbance near the entrance, out of his line of sight but within his earshot.

"...great expense to the local council," one voice was saying, the slightly bored voice of authority. "We take this kind of thing very seriously."

"Of course," a placating voice, all charm. Loki could feel himself practically sneering at it already. "But if you return, you'll find it has already been washed away. We don't believe in leaving traces where avoidable."

"Alright. Get flyers next time."

"We don't believe in printing where avoidable."

He sounded fun, didn't he? Loki couldn't help wondering what "they" did believe in.

And then he saw him.

Tall and broad, blonde hair pulled back into a rough bun and wearing a greenish-fawn shirt that looked like it had been made for him, loose trousers and...

Well, sandals, but you couldn't have everything.

He reminded Loki of the kind of men on the front of his grandma's old romance paperbacks. 'The Farmer's Secret Love' maybe. Or 'Promised to the Land.'

For the briefest of seconds, their eyes met and Loki almost startled when the man smiled. Acknowledging the moment. Practically winking at him.

Well, he might be hot, but Loki would bet his arm that he was also a self-righteous prick. Sandals, after all...

He moved through the crowd easily, a quiet falling, people feeling his presence somehow.

There was no microphone. He didn't need one. Everyone was looking at him, everyone waiting for him to speak.

"You've come here because you're worried about the future," he said, almost softly. "And I'm not here to soften the blow. You're right to be."

Loki blinked a little. That hadn't quite been what he had expected.

"My ancestors foretold this," he continued. "And regardless of your culture, yours probably did too, though they lacked the vocabulary. Mine spoke of a great serpent rising from the sea and a gigantic wolf that would eat the sun. Little did they know the snake would be made of plastic and the wolf a mushroom cloud."

Oh... Oh, right. Great. Metaphors. Just when you think you might have found something interesting, it's just ordinary environmentalism.

"I can see some of you have doubts," the man continued. "I shan't blame you for that. I did too, once. But we all agree that the world is in a bad state, I think."

A few murmured agreements. Some of them had clearly known what to expect before arriving. Maybe this was a regular occurrence.

"If Ragnarok, the end times, is coming, clearly the only path available to us is to learn how to survive afterwards. I believe we should pool our resources and learn from one another, share our knowledge. Some of you know me, but for those who don't, my name is Thor Odinson. I live out on the Asgard commune and I've been developing sustainable living for some time now. We're currently working on moving to entirely self-produced renewable power."

He started explaining about solar panels, windmills, a mill wheel in a stream that wasn't quite working yet, burning of waste for power and heat. And then he invited other people to contribute and chaired a very polite discussion.

Typical. You look for sinister weirdos and you just got earnest peace-and-love types.

The Ragnarok stuff was just an eccentricity, probably.

The sooner he could get out of here, the better. Total bust.

Of course, before he could get out of his corner and head home, Thor Odinson had sat himself down next to him.

"I've not seen you here before," he said. "Always interested to see a new face. Can I buy you a drink?"

Loki hesitated. But then again, free drink...

"Alright," he said.

Thor held out his hand.

"Thor Odinson. What's your name, handsome?"

Handsome? Seriously?! Who the fuck was this guy?

"It's Loki."

There was a beat of silence before Thor grinned at him.

"Now that's interesting," he said.


	3. First Conversation

Thor drank craft beer because of course he did. He took ages at the bar asking the poor server where they all came from, for full lists of ingredients, finding which one was the most ethical. Or at least the least unethical.

Loki felt extremely judged for just asking for a glass of the house red. Probably full of sulphites and air miles and carbon footprints...

Tasted good though.

"So, Loki," Thor said, running his finger through the condensation on his bottle. "What brought you here? You don't seem our usual type of audience. No offence."

Honesty or not? Let's play safe.

"I saw the note on the wall. Just got curious."

A half smile. He got the feeling Thor didn't quite believe him.

Might as well try to make the best of this.

"Did you say you live in a commune?"

"Yeah. More or less. I inherited a house and farm and, well, I don't really believe in personal possessions as such so I gathered some like-minded friends over the years to set up a sustainable community. We grow as much of our own food as possible, make our own clothes, produce electricity and live in harmony with the land."

How very worthy.

"And all the Ragnarok stuff? You really believe that?"

Thor chuckled, smiling wryly.

"I think the ancients have a lot more to tell us than we like to think. We believe ourselves so enlightened and clever, but it only takes a bit of lateral thinking to see the truth. Almost every mythology and religion that's come down to us has a prediction of the end of days."

"Well, yeah. It's human nature to think about that stuff. You're not one of those doomsday guys, are you? Disappointed the world didn't end in 2012?"

Thor scoffed lightly.

"Trying to put an exact date on things is pointless," he said. "Calenders change over time. Translations can't completely capture what was really meant, especially when the language has been lost. But they all knew it would happen. And we all know it too. I just don't understand why we're all so determined not to listen to our own instincts."

God, he was genuinely serious.

"So you think Fenrir the wolf was a metaphor for nuclear weapons?"

"I think they described it the best way they could with the vocabulary they had. A monstrous power that maims indiscriminately and is held by a ribbon made of impossible things, most of which don't even exist. We hold back A-bombs and H-bombs with treaties and conventions and political gentlemen's agreements. Seems pretty similar to me."

Yeah, if you stretched things a bit. A lot.

And now Loki was a bit suspicious of something.

"Is Thor your real name? Or did you choose it to fit in with all... that?"

"If I chose it, wouldn't it still be my real name? It's just the sound that identifies me. But as it happens, my parents gave it to me. They knew, I think."

"Knew what?"

He didn't get an answer to that. Thor took a mouthful of beer, smiling at him, eyes twinkling.

"You don't seem like you'll be coming back," he said. "Now you've slaked your curiosity."

"I might be. I'll have to wait and think about it."

Another half chuckle. If he wasn't so assured, Loki might almost think he was nervous.

"I don't believe in waiting for things to just happen if I can move them along. Our society is full of missed connections and unnecessary waiting. And besides, I find you very attractive."

Loki was a little bit stunned, taking a gulp of wine in an effort to cover it.

"Are you seriously hitting on me right now? Really?"

A shrug. A smile. And in another situation, Loki might have allowed himself to be charmed by that. But something had rubbed him the wrong way. It was like he had some power here. He'd captivated the leader of this group. He was intriguing and interesting. And if he succumbed, he'd lose that air of mystery somehow.

"I don't fuck men I've just met," he said. "Even if they have just bought me wine."

"Fair enough. I wasn't, by the way. I just meant I'd like to see you again sometime. Get to know you, maybe. So, what do you do? Journalism?"

That was a little bit unnerving.

"How did you know that?"

"I saw you taking notes, but it wasn't the stuff about nitrogen replenishment or hydroponics. It was names. And you switched something off in your pocket quite early on, like a dictaphone or something. Not a bad guess then?"

"If you want to get into my pants some day, maybe letting me know you've been creepily staring at me isn't the way to do it."

"My eyes were just drawn to you, I guess. Still, I'd love to read your stuff. We're actually looking for a writer. There's meant to be a blog and news section on our website, but it doesn't get updated much."

Loki frowned faintly. He felt like this conversation was swinging from place to place without him.

"Your commune has a website? Isn't that... I don't know. Off-brand?"

"Well, I'm hoping that the servers become more sustainable given time," Thor said earnestly. "But it's the most efficient way of getting our message out. It's available all over the world for free. No reams of paper needing printed. Still, it needs updating. Badly."

"Will you pay me?"

"We don't really believe in money when we can avoid it, but I'm sure we could work something out."

That didn't exactly sound hopeful.

"You bought me wine. That costs money."

"I rather imagine you'd want to charge more than that, though."

Absolutely he would. And with anyone else, he'd tell them to get lost for even thinking about asking him to consider writing for nothing.

But there was something about this Thor. Something intriguing. Something beneath the surface he wanted to excavate.

Or maybe he wanted to eventually consider sleeping with him. It wasn't like he got too many offers these days. Didn't get out often enough.

"I'll think about it," he said eventually.

"You do a lot of thinking, huh?"

"I find it helps."


	4. Communication

Back in his gross apartment, still smelling of that morning's anti-mould treatment, Loki figured there was no harm in looking Thor up and getting a sense of what he'd be dealing with. If he was going to take on this job. Which he wasn't going to be. Probably.

It was a simple enough website, basic hosting but competently put together. About, Gallery, News...

Oh. Oh, dear. Last updated nearly six months ago, and with a typo in the first sentence. No wonder Thor wanted it reworked.

He clicked on the About section next, frowning lightly. Thor had said something about a house. That was not a picture of a house. That was a stately home or a mansion more like...

_Thor Odinson has a simple dream for the future, a dream of sustainability and community. He has opened his home to create a self-sufficient group, growing as much of their own food, fibres, fuel and power as possible._

_New members to our little family are encouraged, though as the house is unstable in some areas, unfortunately we are unable to welcome new residents at present._

A real commune, huh? They lived together and everything. And Thor was one of those eccentric rich kids, by the sound of it, inheriting a castle and land.

He looked at the pictures, evidence of an idyllic life. Polytunnels and herb gardens, loom weaving, a tumbledown wind mill, goats and sheep and chickens. Nice enough, but were they seriously living with just that? It didn't seem like it could actually support people by itself. Then again, what did he know?

They didn't believe in money. They wouldn't pay him cash for writing their blog for them. But... Well, it would be something published. And maybe they'd give him some organic cheese or something...

He definitely wasn't considering this just because Thor was hot. Not at all.

He loaded up the contact page and filled in the standard form. He'd have preferred to do this with a more personal touch, but no matter. It would do.

_Hi Thor,_

_We met in the bar tonight and you offered me a writing job. This is not a yes. I'm just looking for more information. I don't work for free, or for one glass of wine._

And I definitely don't work for sex, he added internally.

_Here are links to some of my previous articles if you want to take a look at my style._

They weren't great. Mostly regurgitated press releases, very little by way of what he thought of as actual journalism. One or two phone interviews. Still, it showed he knew his way around words and considering what they currently had and how difficult it would be to find someone who'd work for peanuts... Possibly literal peanuts...

It was a bit ridiculous to even be thinking about it. What was he going to do? Negotiate up to six jars of preserves and a gallon of goat's milk? Yes, it was literally food on the table, but it was hardly going to pay the rent.

Thor did have money though. He had to have some. Maybe they sold their excess produce for a little nest egg in case of emergencies. Maybe he could insist on actual payment.

He hit send and only belatedly considered that maybe Thor didn't handle the emails himself. Had the bit about the wine been too flirtatious? Unprofessional maybe?

Then again, they were people in a commune. They were probably all about free love and group sex and wouldn't so much as bat an eyelid at something so mild.

Stereotype. Maybe that was not true. And none of his business really - the brief would be spreading their message of sustainable living, maybe tutorials on how to live a little bit more eco-friendly, tips on gardening and so on.

Despite himself, he was intrigued by the whole thing. He'd always been something of an urban creature. The countryside was something he knew existed, but never really thought about too intently. It would be interesting.

He had a reply from Thor the very next morning.

_Hey Loki. Great to hear from you!_

_Please come visit us. There's a bus that comes fairly close. Of course, if you decide not to work for us, we'll say no more about it, but I'm sure we can work something out._

_Looking forward to seeing you again._

Ugh, buses. He couldn't afford to run a car, but that didn't mean he liked public transport much. And how close was close? Did they have a vehicle? Would they come and pick him up or were they going to make him hike?

He should have just slept with Thor when he had the chance and got it out of his system. This was ridiculous.

Still. It wasn't like he had anything better to do on the weekend.


	5. Visitation

Loki scuffed his way off the bus in the middle of nowhere. He'd followed Thor's instructions and hit the stop button when he came round a corner and saw the old windmill on the right.

And there was Thor waiting to meet him, hair glowing in the sunlight, grinning and patting him heartily on the back before beginning to lead him down a scrubby path away from the road.

"I'm glad you've come. Everyone is so looking forward to meeting you."

Were they now?

"So how many people do you live with?"

"Seven, plus the children."

Loki half tripped over a stone he hadn't seen.

"Children?"

"Of course. My friends Hilde and Volstagg have kids. Little Hilde and Erik. And she's expecting again, but don't tell anyone. Not far along yet."

"And do they... go to school or what?"

Thor laughed like that was a ridiculous question.

"Hilde does, yes. Erik's only three so he's not there yet, but they're thinking of starting him in nursery soon. Socialisation is so important."

"I just... I thought maybe they'd be home schooled."

It seemed like the kind of thing they'd do. As people living in a commune. Maybe they didn't want their kids exposed to... chemicals or something.

"Maybe one day, if a teacher joins us. I believe in allowing people to do what they've trained to do, what they're good at. Doctors doctor, teachers teach, writers write..."

"And you? What do you do?"

A light hum and then a chuckle that told Loki he wasn't about to get a straight answer.

"I have an inkling of my destiny, but I don't tend to talk about it much. I just got lucky enough to have the land, the house. I don't deserve it. Just fated to it."

Loki didn't much believe in fate. Only lucky people did, in his experience.

"You can take pictures of the animals and the land if you want," Thor said. "But not the people. Some of my friends value their privacy for good reasons. And please don't use names in your articles."

"That sounds... ominous."

"I can't tell you more than that, I'm afraid. Not my reasons to divulge."

Worried thoughts rolled through Loki's head. Who were these people? Were they on the run from the law or something?

Upon meeting them, he was soon putting that thought to the back of his mind. These were hardly hardened criminals. While most of them - like Thor - seemed strong enough to hold their own in a fight easily, they also had a strange sense of peace about them.

Maybe they were high - stereotype or no stereotype - or maybe having constant purpose and tasks that actually made a difference to your everyday life and the pleasure of relying only on people you trusted could do that for a person.

Everyone seemed so busy, whether it was washing clothes down by the river that flowed through the land - organic, all-natural, home grown detergent Thor assured him - or tending to crops and animals to making repairs on the farm buildings and even weaving fabric.

Loki felt like he'd gone back in time. If it hadn't been for the occasional modern technology - a phone line, a wind-up radio playing while the little girl carefully wrote out her spelling homework, an unused generator - he could almost have believed he was centuries back. Or maybe in one of those reenactment museums.

"You're not averse to all technology then?" Loki asked.

"Oh, of course not. Some things are really useful. Pasteurisation, for example. Vaccines. Medicine in general. It's just that a lot of things most of society uses are unsustainable. We should try to economise, focus on essentials."

All terribly worthy, but Loki couldn't help but think that eight adults choosing to opt out of the worst of consumption didn't make a lot of difference in the grand scheme of things.

Still. They seemed happy. Maybe that counted for extra.

He got to meet everyone properly over lunch. They'd been expecting him, just as Thor said.

If he had to take a guess at ages, he'd say they spanned from early twenties to mid-forties. Five men, three women.

All terribly earnest. Even when they were smiling, Loki got the feeling that he was being judged just a little bit. He was a stranger being brought into their midst and they weren't quite sure about him yet.

"Everyone, this is Loki. He's going to be having a look around today and deciding whether he wants to write our blog for us. You all know how bad I am at keeping it up to date. I'm sure you'll answer any questions he might have. Shall we join hands?"

Finally, some proper commune stuff! They all obediently formed up and recited something like a prayer, a little blessing of thanks to the earth for allowing them to bring forth food.

It was pretty good food, Loki had to admit. Better than he expected. Wild garlic omelette, peppery with rocket. Resident chef Volstagg was thrilled by his praise, but then again he seemed to be beaming on a permanent basis.

Still, there was... Something. Something a little off. Maybe it was just such a different lifestyle to what he was used to, but he got a distinct feeling that as an outsider, he wasn't fully welcome. They were suspicious of him in a stronger way than matched up with him just being a stranger.

He spent the afternoon touring the house where Sif and her brother Heimdall - adopted, he presumed - were making repairs to the floorboards of an upper room, in the first shed where Fandral and Hogun were working on pickles and preserves, in the polytunnels where Val was crushing eggshells over the soil in an effort to discourage slugs naturally. Vegetable garden, native fruit bushes, old mill pond with carp and creaky-looking old wheel above the river.

"We're hopefully going to repair it this year, get it to move," Thor said. "I'm still not fully happy with it, structurally. Some day, we should be able to produce electricity from it."

"What do you use at the moment?"

"There's solar panels on the roof and the emergency genny. I'm experimenting with vegetable oil to power it. Not perfect, but better than petrol. But we don't use much, really."

Loki followed him around, milking the goats, checking on the sheep in their field and herding the chickens into their coop. He lost track of time. Missed the last bus back to town.

"You could always stay here for the night," Thor said when he realised, shrugging.

"I thought the guest room wasn't ready yet."

"Well... I have a double bed."

He was pouring the goats' milk carefully into glass jars, a tub of water heating on the woodburning stove. Loki didn't know much about pasteurisation, but since Thor had mentioned it specifically, presumably that's what he was doing, especially since he kept carefully checking the temperature with a huge glass thermometer.

"You know, if I was a suspicious guy, I'd think you were trying to get me alone."

He was joking, maybe flirting a little, but Thor looked at him very earnestly.

"I'm not. Nothing will happen, don't worry. But it's more comfortable than the old couches."

As if he'd actually been worried.

"As long as I can borrow a t-shirt to sleep in, I'll be fine. Thank you."

Thor smiled at him like he'd be given a great gift and called through to Volstagg that they'd have a dinner guest.


	6. Evening

Dinner was not quite as good as lunch, but mainly because the mutton the meat eaters were having - Hogun and Sif both seemed to be vegetarian - had clearly been dried and salted almost beyond recognition. No one else seemed purturbed, but Loki found himself gulping down milk to try to get the taste out of his mouth. And it was so strange to drink lukewarm milk too. No fridge here, only fresh.

"We do have to buy it in," Thor said a little mournfully when Loki mentioned salting as a preservative. "But there's an old salt mine not too far from here. Maybe we'll have our own supply some day."

"So how long have you all lived here?" Loki asked.

Thor said he'd moved in fifteen years previously, after his uncle died, and started making the place more habitable. Twelve years for Volstagg and Hilde - which meant their children had never known anywhere else. Then they'd come in ones and twos every few years, ending in Val who'd only been there for eighteen months.

"And you don't... miss your old lives?"

It was a sensitive question; he realised that immediately. What had they left behind? Families? Partners?

"Coffee," Fandral offered, smiling cheerfully. "I'm determined to get a plant and grow my own beans if possible."

"Tea," Sif agreed. "I do sometimes miss that."

"We make tea," Thor insisted.

"Chamomile and nettle isn't the same as ordinary tea. But overall... I don't miss much. Which continues to surprise me."

"Toilet paper," Val murmured. "Toothbrushes. Indoor bathroom."

"I don't like toilet paper," Young Hilde offered, the distinct giggle in her voice that all children had when such matters were mentioned. "We have it at school. It's scratchy."

"Well, the stuff they give you at school isn't very good quality, sweetie."

"We use sphagnam moss instead," Thor explained. "The outhouse is by the edge of the farm, near where the river flowed onwards. Biodegradable, easily grown down by the marsh and dried, soft and super absorbant. Antibacterial too. They even used it to dress wounds during the First World War."

Loki desperately tried not to think about it, though no doubt he'd be out there in the morning experiencing it for himself.

Still, it wasn't all bad. Once the rest of the house had gone to bed, Thor lit a candle and produced a bottle of home-grown wine, full of sediment but so strong. You couldn't drink a lot in one go, that was for sure.

"What do you think of it, then?" Thor asked.

Loki smiled ruefully, sipping and wondering how brave he was feeling.

"Don't get me wrong," he said. "I admire what you're doing here. I'm not sure I could do it. But, well... You still keep animals, you still use a little electricity... And there's so few of you, it feels like a drop in the ocean."

"The ocean is made of drops," Thor said, always with an answer. "I'm thinking of moving towards a less animal-reliant model, but to be honest, the land isn't suitable for purely arable cultivation. We don't have the water to irrigate it. Grass will grow of its own accord with a little rain and the beasts provide us with fertilizer for the vegetables and fruit we do grow. And besides, I always worry about vitamin B12. You can get it from some seaweeds and algae, but I'm afraid I couldn't identify them let alone know how to introduce them to our current ecosystem and I'd rather not have to rely on commercial supplements."

That made a fair bit of sense, but Loki got the distinct feeling that Thor was the kind of guy who made up his mind about something and then didn't alter his course.

And then there was all the Ragnarok stuff...

"So what does everyone else think about the world ending?"

Thor sighed, lounging back in his chair, an overstuffed, threadbare wingback.

"Well, they're not quite as 'true believing' as I am. They think the world is ending, sure, but they don't necessarily believe it's inevitable. Which is a great shame. It's very freeing."

"It's freeing to believe you're all going to die?"

A chuckle, a swig of wine.

"We're not. Or, well, we are because everyone is, but not because of that. I just mean it's freeing to think of life beyond it. The slate wiped clean. A chance to rebuild society with what we need and what's important and without quite so many mistakes."

Loki hesitated.

"Do you really believe that will happen?" he asked. "Even with people... being people?"

"I hope so. And I'll try to make it happen."

Talking to Thor was like talking to a self-help book. Loki's first reaction to everything was to scoff and mock and preserve himself. Earnestness like this put him a little on edge.

"Alright, but you have to admit that in the event of global meltdown, thousands of people will die. Millions probably."

"That's why I want to save them. Teach people how to live, how to grow food in their environment, how to cope and survive and rebuild."

"And what about old people? Or people who are infirm or sick?"

"We can take care of them. Humans always have. We find the bones of people who have recovered from injury or who were born with differences all over the world and through all of history. Anyone who says differently knows nothing. The world needs big ideas, but most of all it needs kindness."

Loki finished his glass of wine in a hefty gulp.

"I'm not so sure people are all that kind," he said. "Money is what talks in this pre-Ragnarok world. And you don't believe in money. You should invest in renewables, in education. It would be more effective."

"Well, maybe I will."

He took Loki's glass to the kitchen and rinsed it in the cooled water they'd used to pasteurise the milk, blew out the candle and led him upstairs in the dark by the hand.

The nettle shirt he gave him to sleep in wasn't too bad, surprisingly. And the bed was soft and warm.

He'd slept in worse places.


	7. Inconveniences and Invitations

Somehow, Loki ended up going back to Asgard a couple of weekends later. And then again. And then somehow he was out there every weekend, more or less.

It was nice, having something to do on his days off. So much of his life was just work, stress, boredom, rinse, repeat. Having friends and activities was good for him.

He wrote their blog for them. Reported on the hatching of eggs, the growth of plants, the work on the buildings and the mill. No payment except a couple of meals and somewhere to sleep, but that seemed enough for what he was doing. It was only a hundred words or so.

It was going well. They had the occasional comment online for the first time. People telling them how nice the place looked, asking for advice for allotments, offering advice in turn. They were big enough to have a specialist audience, not big enough to have trolls.

After a while, Loki started helping with the other work too. Gathering eggs, weeding, transporting water around - they reused water as much as possible, using the same lot for pasteurising and for washing and then for irrigation. They even had a sort of shower system powered by a foot pump. You only got about thirty seconds' worth of water at a time so it was very much get wet, lather up, rinse, but that was all that was really needed.

And he loved their soap. Fandral made it, apparently. Something about the ashes from the stove being converted into detergent and blended with cream from the milk, with bits of lavender or mint added. It had to be intensely labour intensive, but Loki was already wondering whether he could buy some for home use.

As for him and Thor... Well, he didn't really know what was going on between them. Thor seemed to enjoy his company and they slept in the same bed, but he seemed to have put him off somehow. He didn't seem to be eager to make a move, despite his talk of not wasting time. Or maybe that had only been when he thought they'd never meet again.

Or maybe he'd been serious about not hitting on him that night. Maybe he wasn't into him and that was that.

Loki still found him attractive. Weird, but attractive. The way he threw himself into physical work with such gusto and yet was very gentle... And seeing him with his shirt off regularly didn't hurt. Clothes seemed to be fairly optional a lot of the time. He'd seen rather more of many of the residents - nothing X-rated, but still somewhat more - than he might have expected.

He hadn't expected a lot of things. Even dealing with the "outhouse" didn't seem so bad anymore. It smelled bad, sure, but not quite as bad as he'd expected.

The people were nice enough, more varied than he'd first thought. Volstagg, Hilde and Fandral were very open and friendly, while Sif, Heimdall and Hogun were a little more reserved. Val was good fun when she was in the right mood, but at other times she seemed to shun company and speaking.

Which was fine by him. He felt like that too sometimes.

And Thor had indicated that there was trouble in the past of a lot of them. None of his business, even if he was curious, but if you'd been hurt before... Well, it might make you wary of strangers.

Still, he hadn't ever expected to end up living there. That had been something of an accident. A catalogue of problems. A fridge breakdown, his landlord coming out and being furious that he hadn't reported the mould - only the stains left, nothing a lick of paint wouldn't fix - and that was very much where it started.

Technically, his rent agreement was up, but the proposed price rise just wasn't feasible for him, suspiciously enough. Like he was being evicted to all intents and purposes. Nothing illegal about it. Landlords were allowed to raise rents during negotiations as much as they wanted.

A scramble to find a new place to live wasn't exactly fruitful. There were places he could afford, but they were further away and then the increased costs of commuting to work practically cancelled it out...

"Come live here," Thor said when he mentioned it.

The thought hadn't even entered his head.

"I wasn't angling for that. Honest. And besides, I thought you couldn't have new residents right now."

"Well, we can't open up another room, but this is a bit different. I'm sure moving my boyfriend in won't bother the others and it's not like you won't contribute."

Loki's brain fizzed slightly, the panic coming out as a laugh.

"I'm not your boyfriend!" he spluttered.

"Oh," Thor said, like he was genuinely surprised. "Oh, there's someone else."

"No, but... But that doesn't mean..."

"Well, you visit me every week and we eat and talk and have a couple of glasses of wine and then you sleep in my bed."

"That's just friend stuff! We haven't... We haven't even kissed for goodness sake!"

"Would you like to? I was waiting for you to want it."

Well, there was respect and waiting and then there was giving no indication of interest whatsoever...

"We still won't be boyfriends if we kiss. It's not... It's not legally binding or anything."

Thor was getting up and coming to join him on the couch he was occupying, leaning close. He seemed so sure, so certain, just waiting for Loki to close the gap between them.

It was a nice enough kiss. Not too pushy or demanding. Almost... caring, in a way. Thor's lips were soft and he didn't part them too quickly. Just a little. Just a hint of something more salacious. Maybe.

He watched Loki from under his lashes when they moved apart a little, his voice low and quiet.

"Come live with us."

Loki hesitated. Then again, it was nice enough out here and he could save up what he would have spent on rent to get a cushion of funds and keep looking and...

"Temporarily," he said firmly.

Thor smiled.

He announced it at dinner, playing it down while Loki felt himself blush slightly. At least he didn't mention anything about their relationship. Whatever it was.

"Is Loki Utvalgte now?" Young Hilde asked.

"No, sweetheart. It's only temporary."

Confused, Loki watched her little face fall.

"But he has to be!"

Thor hushed her while Loki tried to be subtle.

"What's Utvalgte?" he asked.

A warm smile from Thor.

"It's just what we call ourselves. Our little family. It means Chosen because we've _chosen_ to live here. It's just a handy way to refer to everyone at once. Don't worry about it."

Perhaps he should have listened to the concern that settled in his gut a little more.

But, of course, he didn't.


	8. Interview Pt II

_The questions kept coming and Loki had the same answer for almost all of them._

_"When you first moved to the property you call Asgard, did you know Hogun Jutoku had overstayed his working visa and was scheduled for deportation?"_

_"No."_

_A mark in the notebook._

_"Did you know that Fandral Ashton had absconded while on bail, awaiting sentencing for fraud?"_

_"No."_

_"Did you know Heimdall Wachen abducted Sif Stoddard from a children's home when she was fifteen, making her officially a missing child?"_

_"No. But they had been fostered together most of their lives. He was practically her legal guardian. It's not like she came to any harm. And she's an adult now."_

_"She was a ward of the state. It's an extremely serious offence, no matter how well intentioned."_

_Loki shrugged. Helping someone you considered your sibling leave an unstable environment didn't seem much like a crime to him, even if they had then made some mistakes. Like ending up in Asgard at the wrong time._

_A page turn. More questions._

_"Did you know Brunnhilde Pallas was also considered a missing person after vanishing from a residential addiction recovery programme?"_

_"Brunnhilde who?"_

_"She also called herself Val."_

_"Oh. No, I didn't."_

_"Did you know Volstagg and Hilde Vannier had signed over control of their bank accounts and power of attorney to Thor Odinson?"_

_"No. And I doubt that is a crime."_

_"It's also not a crime to keep children away from their grandparents, but moving to an isolated location, cutting ties and signing over large amounts of money is a fairly large red flag in these situations."_

_Loki didn't have anything to say to that. He just waited for the next question he could say no to._

_"When did you begin to suspect that all might not be as it seemed on the Asgard estate?"_

_Ah... Finally a question he was expected to expand upon._

_"I'm not really sure. It was gradual."_

_"Mm. These things often are."_

_He hated this. They were talking to him like he was one of them, one of Thor's rescued strays. One of those lost people he picked up off the street. They'd met in a bar, like normal people, and he wasn't troubled like the others were. He was like Volstagg and Hilde, just a normal person who ended up living there._

_They were talking about him like he was a victim._

_"Things were always weird. Eccentric. But it never really felt sinister as such."_

_"When were you first aware of a crime taking place?"_

_Now... That was a good question._

_"Well... There was the occasional bit of weed smoked around the farmer's markets sometimes, but I doubt that's what you're talking about somehow. Let me think about it..."_

_It really had been gradual. Those funny little habits became normal and at times he almost found himself half believing Thor's talk of the end of days, of the importance of survival afterwards, learning skills to keep living when everything fell down. And that it was going to fall down, very, very soon._

_Even when he'd known they'd done some things that were technically illegal, they hadn't seemed like real crimes. It wasn't like anyone was getting hurt. It was... You know, taking a few sheep over to a neighbour's field with a ram in it to 'borrow' his services, it wasn't violence or anything like that._

_"Your relationship with Thor Odinson... Was it sexual?"_

_Loki blinked. He wasn't expecting that. Couldn't really see how it was relevant, if he was honest._

_"Yes," he said. "Eventually."_

_"And was it consensual?"_

_"What?"_

_"Were you ever sexually assaulted or raped by..."_

_"No," Loki said firmly. "No. I went into everything on that front willingly. Thor wouldn't do something like that. And besides, he loves me."_

_They looked at him with such pity. They thought he was delusional. They thought he'd been taken in with lies and pretty words. They didn't understand._

_"Was he ever physically or psychologically abusive?"_

_"No. Never."_

_A brief pause._

_"If you were happy together, what happened to make you call the police?"_

_"He had to be stopped."_

_"Why? Was he going to hurt somebody?"_

_Deep breaths. Don't fail now._

_"No. But I had to stop him going down the path he'd chosen."_

_Pages being turned. All that mattered was that they had Thor secure, that he was being kept safe._

_"Did Thor Odinson ever tell you how he came to own the farm?"_

_"He said it belonged to his uncle, I think. He inherited it."_

_"We don't have any record of any of his relatives owning it, that's all. We wondered if you could shed any light on that."_

_Loki shook his head. He didn't know. Never asked._

_It hadn't seemed important._


	9. Moving In

It was going to take Loki multiple journeys on the bus to transport all his belongings, or so he thought before Thor insisted on making a trip out with Volstagg and Heimdall with their hand carts to help carry his stuff.

There wasn't much of it. Clothes. Some books. Kitchen things.

Thor looked at the marks from the mould with some concern, and Loki wondered what he'd have done to try to get rid of it. Not sprayed biocides around, that was for sure.

"I don't know how you could live here," Thor said.

"It wasn't so bad, most of the time. No rattly windows, hardly any old wires. No suspicious old stains."

"I've lived in worse," Heimdall said.

That had been the first indication Loki had from any individual to confirm that any of them had a troubled past, but it barely registered. It just seemed so normal. Rents were high, wages were low, so almost everyone had a story about the place with the rotten floorboards or the faulty electrics or the neighbours you had to call the police on because you thought someone might get hurt. It was normal.

The idea that any of them had been through anything abnormal or unusual didn't occur. Sure, maybe they came from broken homes or whatever, but he thought they were all like Thor. Just worried about the world. Wanting to live differently.

And different was the word. Loki was used to being different - he'd been openly gay through high school or one thing and that was only added to being slightly introverted to make a perfect storm of difficulty - but moving somewhere where almost everything about him was strange... If Thor's friends had spoken another language, at least he wouldn't have been so surprised.

This was temporary so he was keeping his clothes and shoes. Polyester blends and cotton and rubber soles, the stuff only one other person in the house had - Little Hilde, cursed with school uniform. She'd come back and change immediately, running upstairs to get her homemade dresses and tunics.

In fact, it was odd how much he had in common with her. They both got up and caught buses, for one thing. Loki had no intention of giving up his job. Not at first anyway.

It wasn't a good job by any stretch of the imagination, but it was his. It was a connection to normality, to what he'd be going back to. Eventually.

He kept telling himself that anyway.

Living on the estate was very different to being a flying visitor. There was more contact with the outside world than he'd expected. Thor went out once a month or so to speak in pubs and people visited them to trade various useful items. A candle guy. A leather-working woman who made hardier shoes than the woven sandles they wore most of the time. A tool repairing couple who came mainly to sharpen or fix the kitchen knives.

"I thought you were all about being self-sufficient," Loki said.

"We're about community," Thor insisted. "We do as much as we can for ourselves, but bee hives and kilns and proper tanning are not something we have the resources for just yet. We must allow others to work their crafts."

He paid in money. Money that they didn't believe in but which they got from selling spare produce and preserves at farmers markets. It all came back to Thor, squirreled away for rainy days and to pay for things.

They didn't like it when Loki tried to give them cash from his job, though. They didn't much like him working away from the farm, he felt.

"They just want you to be one of us," Thor said at night when he brought it up, one arm tucked under Loki's neck.

"But I'm not. They know that."

"They think you'll come around."

Did they now? Or did Thor think he'd come around?

They still hadn't done much more than kiss. Thor was easily physically affectionate, touching him often and freely in ways that definitely weren't merely friendly, but he never tried to push for anything that might be called genuinely intimate.

Even in bed, there were cuddles and Thor held him a lot, which was very nice, but all the same...

Maybe he just wasn't that into sex. But then again, he would surely just say if that was the case. He wouldn't hide it like this.

It was confusing to say the least.

Looking back, Loki would say he rather fell into staying. It was convenient. It was pleasant. He was sleeping better with a combination of the almost silent country nights and physical work, feeling a bit fitter too what with lifting and carrying, helping out wherever he could.

People at work said how well he was looking.

And then when work decided they needed to get rid of people from the cash room, ironically to save money...

"I'm sure we can find things for you to do around here," Thor said.

"Just until I find another job. And then just until I find a flat."

He did make an effort to search in the hour they turned the internet on for each evening. But, well... Trying to find something that inspired him was even harder without the threat of unpaid rent hanging over his head.

Months rolled by. He helped with the first harvest and the preserving, stirring huge pots of simmering fruit, sterilizing jars with boiling water. They got the water wheel going at last, Thor wading naked into the river to clear out the weeds that had clogged it.

It was good. It felt tangible. You did things and saw progress.

He even caught himself understanding and excusing the parts of their lifestyle where Thor's philosophy felt a little... hypocritical.

They ordered jars from the internet, mass produced. They didn't have a method to make glass yet, or know anyone who did. And then there were the polytunnels...

"They're plastic," Loki said. "You hate plastic."

"They were already here," Thor said. "They were my uncle's. But, well, while I wouldn't have bought them, it seems ridiculous not to use things that are already around, especially when they're so useful."

That was the same reasoning he had for using Fandral's computer and modem, for pressing Loki's glasses and mugs and cutlery into communal use, for allowing everyone else to drive to them even while refusing to consider how labour-saving a small tractor or harvester would be.

Still... Loki ended up staying. And little Hilde would ask him every few days, "Loki, are you Utvalgte yet? When will you be Utvalgte?"

The day he said he thought he might be was the night Thor finally made a move.


	10. Intimacy

It started as normal kissing, as they often did at night, but soon Loki found himself firmly on his back, Thor crouched over him, cupping his cheek and then his lips slipping down to his neck and chest.

Nice and all, but a little more intense than usual.

"What are you doing?"

"Is this not... Not OK?"

"Hnm..." Loki moaned involuntarily as Thor's teeth gently grazed his collarbone. "It's OK, more than OK, just not... Mm, not what I expected."

"I'm just excited you've decided to stay."

Part of Loki felt weird about that, but it was hard to concentrate when Thor was reaching into his underwear, touching him so surely that he found himself jerking upwards reflexively. Like electricity pulsing through him.

"Hey," Thor said. "It's alright. Let me make you feel good."

Was this a reward? Was Thor trying to convince him that he'd made the right choice?

His hand felt nice, though. Loki felt himself get hard quickly - the short showers didn't exactly lend themselves to much self-relief - and his body was responsive and eager.

"What are you going to do?"

"Well, I was planning to suck you off, if that's alright?"

"Mm... Yeah, I think I could cope with that."

Thor's chuckling was low and playful, thick with arousal as he made his way down the bed, peeling off Loki's boxers and tossing them carelessly aside.

"You're so beautiful," he murmured. "I wanted you as soon as I saw you, but I didn't know you were meant for me..."

"What... What are you talking about?"

"That you would come here, that you'd stay."

Hmm. Like he was fated to be here... In a romantic way? Maybe that wasn't as creepy as he'd first heard it.

And never mind that because Thor was running his tongue up the side of his cock and fucking _looking up_ to gauge his reaction. His hair was loose, roughly scraped to one side of his head, his eyes so blue and fixed to Loki's face, using just the tip of his tongue.

Loki couldn't look away as Thor grinned, sure that he had his undivided attention and enjoyment, and moved to take the head of his cock between his lips.

Oh, he knew what he was doing. He definitely knew. Loki gasped and moaned, finding his toes curling, his mouth hanging open. He'd had blow jobs before, of course, but not like this. Thor was taking his time, using his tongue so softly, slowly leaning forward to take more, still occasionally looking upwards.

Like he needed validation or something.

"Feels good," Loki managed. "Feels really good. Fuck..."

Evidently that was the right thing to do. Thor started moving with more purpose, done with exploration and moving on to conquering.

Loki's head tipped back, his back arching, feeling his hands grip and tug against the woven sheets as Thor sucked hard, taking his cock deeper with every movement of his head.

His defences had been well and truly overcome, any lingering embarrassment chased away by sheer force, Thor holding his hips to keep him still as he bobbed his head faster and faster, leaving Loki almost trembling from intensity as he came in his mouth.

His body didn't seem to want to work, flopping back among the pillows, tingling all over.

"Alright?"

"Yeah... Just... A lot. C'mere, let me do you."

Thor hushed him, stroking his face gently.

"You don't have to do that. I'll be fine."

He lay down next to him, kicking off his loose shorts and taking himself in hand, smiling softly. Like all was right with the world because Loki had decided to stay. For a bit.

Though if he got seen to like that a few more times... Well, it had been pretty nice, that was all he was saying.

Curiously, he reached over, getting the faintest moan from Thor as he took over the stroking, feeling the heat of his dick, the soft, sensitive skin.

Thor spilled with a short grunt, missing Loki's hand mostly, lying there with his eyes closed.

"Should've done this ages ago," he said quietly. "But the time wasn't right."

"Why not? Because I wasn't staying?"

"Exactly."

Loki folded his arms, frowning lightly.

"Then I might have just gone and you'd have missed your chance with me. Besides, jerking you off is hardly... Well, it's not... Not very ambitious."

Thor laughed, making the mattress shake just the tiniest bit.

"Ambitious," he repeated, lengthening out the vowels. "I like the sound of that. But I've deliberately avoided buying oil to keep me from temptation. Had to let you know I'm serious about you first."

"Oil?"

"Well, delicious though that was, I'd quite like to have you somewhere else besides in my mouth, you know?"

It was good Thor's eyes were closed. Loki felt himself flush a few shades darker. He wasn't used to such directness. Wasn't sure if he liked it.

"I have lube in one of my boxes," he said, blowing the candle out and slipping properly under the covers.

"I saw. Didn't much like the ingredients list though. And waiting just a little longer will keep the anticipation high."

He kissed Loki until he fell asleep, holding him close. Like he was precious. Like he had to stay nearby.

Like he couldn't leave.


	11. Reading and Revelations

"Have you ever read the Edda?" Thor asked the next morning, murmuring in Loki's ear, his body like a hot rock behind him. In a pleasant way. Like one of those fancy massages.

"Norse mythology? Yeah, of course. It was a while ago though."

"You can borrow my copy. It's a little tradition that everyone who lives here rereads it."

So they understood what Thor was on about when he had his philosophical moments.

"I never much liked it as a child," Loki said. "It's the name. It has baggage. Hear one horse joke... Well, you get the idea."

"The stories about the past are interesting enough, but I'm more concerned about the future."

That made sense, Loki figured. No time to think on it yet. It was already daylight outside and Volstagg would be making breakfast, sunshiny egg yolk omelettes and bread still warm from slow cooking in the residual heat of the oven from last night's dinner.

No soft-boiled eggs for Hilde Senior, of course. She was getting close now to giving birth. There had been trips to the hospital for scans to ensure everything was progressing as expected and a bag sat at the front door next to the landline, ready to call for an ambulance when the time came.

Loki was amazed that she insisted on continuing to work. She sang as she carded handfuls of nettle fibres - only the stems, their leaves stripped for soup and tea - into separate strands and sang as she span them into threads and sang as she wove them.

"It helps with the rhythm," she said when Loki asked about it in the afternoon. "Like sea shanties for hauling lines or rowing. We've lost so many traditional songs because no one wrote them down."

"Are you sure you shouldn't be resting?"

"Oh, it's not strenuous. I'd be very bored, I think, with nothing to occupy me."

The sound of the shuttle moving was comforting as Loki watched her fluid motions.

"What did you do before you came here?" he asked, and then thinking about it. "How did you meet Thor?"

"Oh, we've known him forever. Grew up in the same town. Volstagg even lived on the same street as him, though he's a bit older of course. But he knew the whole family. Thor's parents and his brother."

His what?

"Thor has a brother?"

She stopped weaving, clearing her throat. She was blushing slightly. Embarrassed at having slipped up, perhaps.

"He, er... He _had_ a brother. Balder. I'm sorry, I thought he might have mentioned... I don't think should be telling you if he hasn't."

That was fair enough, but of course Loki desperately wanted to know more. An older or younger brother for one thing? And how did he die? 

Balder... What a name. You were practically asking your kids to get weirdly into Norse myths if you called them Balder and Thor.

Come to think of it, same with Heimdall and Sif. Bit of a coincidence, wasn't it? For them all to have found one another.

Then again, he was Loki and it wasn't like Thor had hunted him down. He couldn't have. There was no way to know that he'd have seen the graffiti and decided to go to the talk in the pub. It was just luck. Coincidence.

Fate.

These were not helpful thoughts. It was just the solidity of deciding to move for a longer term than first expected that was worrying him.

Besides, autumn was fast approaching and winter after that. There was plenty of work to be done before the cold set in. It wouldn't do to let everyone's vitamin levels drop for want of pickled vegetables, even if they had begun to plant Brussels sprouts and kale in preparation.

Loki hated Brussels sprouts. Reminded him of his grandmother's idea of cooking, all boiled to death and gross. But maybe Volstagg would be able to work his magic there as well.

Thor's well-thumbed copy of the Edda sat by the bed accusingly for about a week before a sleepless night drove Loki to light a candle by the window and read it. Couldn't stop thinking about what Hilde had let slip. There hadn't been a good time to bring it up with Thor.

There were quite a few books in the house. Loki had given some a skim out of curiosity. Second-hand mostly. Old owners' inscriptions in the front. Bill Porte, 1967. Lorelei Davis, 1983.

The Edda was Thor's though. Nothing written in the front of it.

Loki didn't much like the translation. Too florid for his tastes, probably preserving the sentence structure of the original that just didn't really work in English. And besides, he'd completely forgotten all the different names for Odin. Any name he didn't recognise, he just assumed was Odin.

He skipped through to the end of the Voluspa, to Ragnarok.

Blah-blah-blah, brother will fight brother, all kinship put aside. Odin fights the wolf and falls. Loki comes on a ship of dead men's nails. Thor slays the Midgard serpent, walks nine steps and falls...

"Hey," a murmur from the bed. "You'll be tired in the morning if you stay up all night. Come here. Tell me what's wrong."

Loki blinked against the after images of the flame and blew it out, settling into Thor's waiting arms. It was warm and comfortable, to be fair.

"Couldn't sleep. Figured I'd finally read it."

"And?"

He shrugged, hoping Thor felt it.

"I couldn't see the metaphors like you do," he said. "The ship of nails and the war horn and... and Balder."

Was that a faint tensing? Or had he imagined that?

"Balder dies long before Ragnarok," Thor said.

"Did he?"

That was definitely something. Thor rolled, like he was trying to see Loki's face in the dark.

"Who have you been talking to?"

He wasn't even angry. He just sounded... lost. Confused. Thor always had an answer to everything and here he didn't.

"Hilde mentioned it in passing. I think she thought I already knew."

A little needling, perhaps. Hinting that he ought to know, since they were supposedly in a relationship. Thor remained silent, maybe waiting for him to go on.

"You don't have to talk about it," Loki said. "All I know is you had a brother and his name was Balder and he died. I don't need to know anything more than you want me to. But if you want to talk about it..."

Thor's hand found his in the dark, linking their fingers together.

"I don't talk about him much. Though he's always with me. Not far from my mind. It was my fault that he died, you see."

A brief squeeze, hoping to get a little more. But Thor just exhaled and pulled him close. Not ready yet, it seemed.

It explained something though. Every time Loki asked people why they'd come here, they had variations on the same answer.

"I was at my lowest and Thor took care of me when I couldn't take care of myself."

"We were homeless and Thor gave us somewhere to live."

"Thor saved me from my mistakes."

Nothing specific, but enough that Loki got the picture. Thor found lost souls and he rescued them. Was he trying to redeem himself somehow?

But if that was his deal, why had he decided to take Loki in? He hadn't needed rescuing from anything. Nothing more serious than the nine-to-five grind and less-than-ideal housing.

Or maybe he just thought Loki was hot. Maybe it really wasn't that deep.

He finished reading the Edda over the next few weeks, set it aside, and didn't think much more about it.


	12. A Visitor

Winter was not fun without central heating. Loki found himself wearing as many of his clothes as possible. God knew how the baby was coping.

He'd been born a little later than expected, a boy named Johan, which probably worked in his favour, being a little bigger than average. And he was strapped to Hilde's chest most of the time, for warmth and for... easy access to food.

It had been quite an experience having little Hilde explain to him that babies drank milk and that humans produced it. No amount of telling her that he knew had discouraged her from imparting this vital information.

"Why don't men have milk?" she demanded. "It would make more sense if both parents could do it."

"Well, it's because the mother's body knows the baby has been born," he said, trying to be vague. He didn't know how much she knew, after all.

In an attempt to change the subject a little, he asked how she felt about having two little brothers now, watching her face grow serious.

"I don't remember Erik being born," she said. "I know I'm older, but I don't remember it. So maybe he won't remember this and he'll just remember always having a brother and a sister."

Erik was shy, despite living among so many grown-ups. He didn't talk much, but he was bright enough. Clearly understood a lot more than he said anyway.

Still, as well as the usual upheaval that a new baby afforded, Loki had his first experience of a stranger coming into their little paradise. The health worker.

Loki wasn't thinking too hard about anything, working the grindstone in the kitchen to make flour, happy to have an indoor and physical job, when a new face appeared at the window, looking faintly concerned.

"Hello?" he said.

"Er... I'm looking for Hilde and Johan? Check-up?"

"Oh, of course. I'll just fetch her."

He unlatched the door to let her in, seeing as she looked around in some alarm. It was so strange to see an outsider's reaction.

"Are you the father?"

"No!" he said, maybe a hair too quickly. "No, I just... I just live here. I'll get her."

It seemed the nurse was a little early. Even over the sound of grinding grains, he could hear Hilde in the next room being asked questions, maybe just a little bit flustered.

"Are they relatives, these... people?"

"Well, there's my husband and our children, but the others are housemates. We run the farm together as a community."

"Can I see your other children?"

"Of course. Little Hilde is doing her homework in the parlour and Erik is enjoying spending time with his father in the big shed."

She was unfailingly polite, but Loki got the feeling she was a little exasperated. Their life was unusual enough maybe to seem like a potential safeguarding issue. Then again, so many unrelated adults in the house... He could easily see how concerning that might be. Hmm.

"I'll get Volstagg," Loki said when she appeared in the kitchen. "You stay inside and keep warm."

The winter barley was being laid out, some of it left to dry for barley corns, suitable for soups and for grinding into flour and, of course, some of it being prepared to ferment into a weak beer.

Loki wasn't sure how well it could possibly be drying in this weather. Freezing seemed more likely. Still, there was Erik, merrily drawing patterns among the grains with his finger while his father and Sif raked them back and forth.

"Hilde needs you," Loki said from the doorway, trying not to walk any mud inside. "There's a nurse here. Wants to see the kids."

"On my way," Volstagg called down.

Sif looked terrified all of a sudden.

"A nurse?" she asked.

"Yeah. For the baby's check-up."

She didn't seem remotely soothed by that. What could you possibly have against nurses?

Maybe she was also coming to the conclusion that they might be drawing unwanted attention to their little commune.

Well, so what? It wasn't like they were doing anything wrong here. The kids were happy and healthy and safe. Nothing to worry about.

He got back inside to keep working as he heard the nurse saying something about an unsuitable living arrangement.

"This is our third child. We've never had any concerns raised before," Volstagg was saying, calmly.

"Yes, but..."

"Have you been in the job long? Are you a recent graduate?"

Oh, this seemed like it could go wrong very easily...

Loki hardly remembered making the decision to go and fetch Thor, but he was suddenly outside again, heading towards the figures in the field that he figured were Thor and Heimdall.

No rushing. No loud noises. Just calm.

Sonehow it was very important that Thor see this nurse. He'd explain everything. He always did.

"Volstagg and Hilde have a visitor. Medical," he said, breath misting in the air.

"Problems?" Thor asked, wiping his forehead.

"Maybe."

"Hmm."

A pat on his back, letting him know he'd made the right choice. Thor would sort it out.

Thor sorted everything out.

"Need a hand?" he asked Heimdall, mainly out of politeness.

"No, I'm fine. Did you see Sif? Is she alright?"

Odd question. Like he expected her to react badly.

"She was out in the big shed. Still there, I think."

Heimdall nodded sagely, adjusting his hat, a lumpy effort made by his sister in an early knitting attempt.

Right... Heimdall in the field, Sif in the shed, Val in the barn checking on the sheep and cows as usual, Fandral and Hogun... Not sure, but no doubt doing something useful in the house. Everyone more or less accounted for. And none of them had done anything wrong. It was going to be fine.

He kept telling himself that while forcing himself to go back into the house, take off a few layers and start grinding more flour.

He definitely wasn't there just to listen in to what was going on in the next room, that was for sure.

"...understand," Thor was saying, clearly in full charm mode. "And of course if you have any concerns, you may visit at any time. We live a simple life, as is our choice. Volstagg is like a brother to me. He helped me during a difficult time in my life and I'm honoured that his family choose to live here. The children are practically niece and nephews to me."

Little Hilde's voice was shaking slightly, worried and unable to hide it.

"Are we in trouble?" she asked.

There was a slight pause.

"No," the unfamiliar voice of the nurse replied. "No, of course not. I merely want to check a few things with you, if your parents agree."

Another pause.

"Go on," Volstagg said. "How about you show the nice lady your homework? It'll be fun."

By the look on her face as she passed through the kitchen, she didn't exactly believe that. She was like a little martyr, accepting her fate.

And Loki couldn't exactly go listen in on that without it seeming suspicious...

Thor came back into the kitchen, laying a kiss on his lips. Thanking him for letting him know.

"Don't worry," he said. "It'll be fine."

Loki wished he had his confidence.


	13. Quiet Aftermath

"She just asked about the house," Little Hilde said when pressed over dinner, shrugging with a spoonful of stew halfway to her mouth. "If I was happy here. And I said yes. And she asked me who everyone was and what they were like and stuff."

It seemed convincing, not least because it was true, Loki figured. She was happy. This was the only life she'd ever known. She wasn't even jealous of other children having all the latest gadgets. She had music on her radio and some cartoons in the evening when the internet was switched on. She didn't seem to think she was missing out on much.

Loki was perhaps starting to have his doubts though. He missed his storage heater. He missed boxsets. Missed having days where he didn't have to do anything, lazy Sundays or bank holidays or just days off. There was always work to be done here. Always something.

And Thor...

What the hell was up with Thor?

They kissed and they touched and sometimes there was oral, but he didn't exactly talk about their relationship. Loki felt a little neglected, if he was honest. Not sexually, though he kept waiting for something more mutual to happen, he was well served there, but, well, it would be nice to hear that Thor cared about him a little more often.

Then again, he wasn't exactly the best at making that sort of thing clear either. Maybe it was hypocritical to want something he wasn't prepared to give himself.

"We have nothing to worry about," Thor was insisting. "The nurse was doing her duty to keep children safe and secure, nothing more than that."

"It's how it starts, though," Sif said. "They try to be your friend and then they take everything away."

"No one is going to take anything away."

That was another thing. All the secrets and mysteries, the little half mentions of the past... They were getting on Loki's nerves now.

"We have done nothing wrong," Thor said firmly. "No one is to worry. I forbid it. Besides, none of this will matter once Ragnarok comes."

Hardly the most reassuring of things to say, Loki felt.

It seemed to work though. An uneasy calm fell upon the room.

"We've been invited back to the Christmas market this year," Thor said after an excruciating few minutes of silence. "Anyone particularly want to go?"

They didn't. Loki was realising that most of them didn't much like leaving the farm. It was almost like they were afraid, though he wasn't sure what of. The outside worth in general, maybe.

"I'll go," he said. "Sounds fun."

Thor smiled and reached over to squeeze his hand. Grateful.

"You did the right thing today," he said later, when they were curled up in bed, Loki doing his best to absorb as much body heat as humanly possible.

"It's your house. You should know whenever there's signs of trouble, even if it was nothing really."

"You showed that you trust me."

Loki rolled his shoulders slightly, unsure what exactly to make of that. He didn't know if it was true, for one thing. He still had his doubts.

"Mm," he said, not fully convinced.

"You'll like the Christmas market," Thor said, letting a faint question turn to dust around them. "It's very pretty. Disgustingly commercial and wasteful, of course, but it's good to see old traditions kept up."

"Do you celebrate it? Christmas?"

"We tend to have a big meal on the Solstice. It makes more sense for us. Celebrating that winter is halfway done."

"And do you do... presents or anything?"

"No. Though I have been thinking that you and I might have our own little celebration."

In spite of himself, Loki practically felt his ears prick up. There was surely only one thing that could mean.

"Oh, yeah?"

"Mm-hm. I know you've been wanting to... be closer. I have as well, but... You're special. I want it to be special. More special than it already will be, I mean."

That... kind of made up for things, Loki figured. If Thor was planning to make a proper night of it, to show him some romance. It certainly explained a lot, why he didn't really reciprocate when Loki tried to push in that direction.

"I'd like that," he said half into Thor's shoulder. "But I'm not that special."

"You are to me. More than you know, I think."

One day, he'd find the courage to tell Thor - not ask, but tell - not to be so bloody mysterious.

Preparing for market was more stressful than he'd expected. Jars of onion chutney, perfect for cheese and crackers, bottles of liqueurs and beer, sprouts still on the stick...

Cloth labels, hand embroidered. No stickers, no glue. It was very kitsch. People would be taking pictures, sharing them everywhere.

"Have you ever considered asking for donations?" Loki asked.

"We don't believe in money."

"Yes, but we need it. We could get in some whitewash for the building facades in the spring. It would help keep the dairy cooler even if we only did that one. Or you could donate it to charity if you wanted."

Thor didn't seem exactly enthused, but he wasn't objecting as such. A little donation button on the website... The worst that could happen would be not getting any interest. Besides, doing it online would mean not having to deal with people in the flesh, as it were.

It was nice to have an idea. It felt like it had been a while.


	14. Market

"Yes, 100% organic," Loki said for about the thousandth time. "Helped plant them myself."

It was indeed very nice here, even if Loki was cold. They were out of the wind in their little booth and everything was twinkling lights and soft Christmas music, the scent of spice and sugar in the frosted aur.

And Thor looked like a tree ornament, all wrapped up in over-sized jumper and his beard making him seem like a young, hot Santa.

They were getting more attention than they deserved as a result, he felt, mainly from ladies. Or maybe they were just attracted to the adorable labels.

"Did you make these too?"

"It's very much a group effort. We have a small team."

"They're so cute!"

Such conversations didn't always result in a sale, though. If they had been trying to make a proper living rather than just supplementing, Loki wasn't convinced they'd manage.

Still. It was nice to be out. For him anyway.

"No one else much likes being off the estate if they can avoid it, huh?"

Thor shrugged and hummed.

"Most of them haven't been treated particularly well by the rest of the world. That's why they like being secluded."

"And is that what drew you to it as well?"

"Er... No. No, just the opposite. I'd been treating the world very badly and it was time to stop doing that."

Loki thought about Balder, the death that Thor insisted was his fault but didn't want to talk about, and wondered if that's what he was getting at.

It certainly seemed to have messed him up pretty severely. Understandably, maybe.

"I'm sure you weren't any worse than the next ordinary person," he said, trying to help. "Isn't it something like ten percent of the population cause seventy percent..."

"It's not... It wasn't just that. It was a goal. A purpose. All I did was consume. I needed to find something else to do. Something positive. Helping people, even if it's only one or two. It's worth it."

Such idealism. Sometimes Thor seemed younger than he was.

And sometimes Loki thought he was borderline delusional, if he was quite honest.

"We should probably think about heading for the bus," Loki said. "I think there's only a couple more before the end of the night.

"Alright. I need to go pick something up first though."

Loki watched suspiciously, putting what hadn't sold back into the rolling suitcases they'd brought it in - Val's apparently - and pulled down the awning as Thor made his way through the crowd. Where was he going? What was he buying?

Was that coconut oil?

Tsk, tsk, Thor. Hardly local produce.

Then again, it was for him. It was for them. All natural lubricant, as Thor wanted.

Loki half remembered reading somewhere that you should always use lube that had been designed for the express purpose, never anything else, and tried to put that thought to the back of his mind.

After all, if he just slept with Thor, maybe then he'd be able to put a line under everything and actually get back into job and flat hunting and thinking about the future in a sensible manner.

He could already practically smell the coconut. Solstice was only days away, yet still seemed far too far off for his liking.

Thor took the heavier of the cases.

"You're curious," he said.

"Hm?"

"I've just... been thinking. Maybe I ought to tell you the whole story some time. About Balder. Some time soon. Since I love you, I should be honest with you about that."

The word felt almost like a physical blow. He what? Love?! What?

Loki didn't feel the same. At least he didn't think so. He... liked Thor and he was happy enough being intimate with him, but he didn't love him.

Not yet, anyway. There were too many questions and gaps, too much uncertainty.

"You don't have to," he said, hoping to cover his rising panic.

"No, I do. It's only fair that you know."

Hmm. This was dangerous. If Thor had decided he loved him, leaving was going to be all the more difficult. If he found somewhere else affordable to live.

"Only when you're ready."

A soft smile, full of sadness, a gentle kiss on the lips.

"I didn't think you'd be like this," Thor said. "But I suppose it makes sense."

Loki wasn't even going to try to puzzle that one out.


	15. Interview Pt III

_"What was the belief system?"_

_Loki frowned. The coffee felt like it had done something strange to him. Maybe it was just because he hadn't had any in so long. Jumpy. Jittery._

_"The what?" he asked._

_"You've described the group as a religious cult. What did they believe?"_

_"Well... Well, Thor believed the world was going to end. Soon. And that... That we would survive, that we were chosen, but that we had to live a certain way for that to happen. We had to learn how to survive after it happened."_

_"And did the others believe that?"_

_"Yes! They thought he was... a prophet or something, I don't know."_

_"The way they tell it, Thor had his own views, which were eccentric to say the least, but they were mostly interested in sustainable living and hiding from their respective pasts."_

_"They called themselves chosen ones! It doesn't get more culty than that."_

_Apparently that didn't carry much weight._

_They showed him a video, little Hilde being interviewed. They'd given her crayons. She was drawing the house._

_"Can you tell me who Thor is?" a kind voice asked from off-camera._

_"He's Mummy and Daddy's friend. He owns the farm."_

_"And do you like him?"_

_"Yeah. He's nice."_

_"Has he ever hurt you or made you feel scared? Or has he ever hurt your brothers?"_

_She frowned, confused._

_"No. No, he doesn't even shout. Not in a nasty way."_

_A brief pause._

_"Has he ever asked you to keep a secret?"_

_Loki cringed watching her, so completely baffled by what she was being asked._

_"No. Not that I can remember."_

_They hit pause, watching as he tried to school his face back to neutrality._

_"Mr Laufeyson, when you called the police, you said children were in immediate danger. They weren't, were they?"_

_"I knew that if I said that, you'd come quickly. If I just said there was a squat or some trespass going on, there would have been a couple of bobbies sent along hours later and I didn't know how long I'd have... Look, I needed an emergency. Are they... alright?"_

_"Hilde is very distressed. She's scared she's in trouble. Erik and Johan have remained with their mother throughout and seem relatively calm."_

_He felt bad about it. Maybe. It had been necessary._

_They'd be alright. And if they knew why he'd done it, maybe they'd even forgive him one day._

_"So far, we intend to charge Thor Odinson with trespass, fraud, harbouring of fugitives, assisting an offender, false representation and theft. There may be others. We're pursuing a number of inquiries. Will you be willing to testify in court? It will greatly help your defence if you do."_

_Loki blinked at them._

_"My defence?"_

_A grim smile._

_"Let's talk about the website donations and where exactly they went, shall we?"_

_Ah, yes. That._

_Oops._


	16. Balder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning that this chapter contains the death of a child as Thor finally explains what happened to his brother.

He set up the donation button on the same evening that Thor told him about Balder. It was December 20th. He remembered it really well.

And it wasn't like he _tried_ to be secretive about it. It just kind of turned out that way. He always meant to ask Thor about the group bank account, if there was one, but with the website getting more hits, it seemed like a good idea to take advantage sooner rather than later.

He'd had such grand schemes. Like maybe an online shop, even though Thor would give him a lecture about food miles and packaging probably. But as it was, he just linked the donation button to his own current account and figured it would be temporary. It wasn't his fault that he got distracted.

Not least because Thor came into the room, his hair damp from washing in the sink - easier to do it at night and let it dry indoors rather than the morning when going outside would be necessary - and sat quietly beside him.

"Hey," Loki said, disconnecting from the internet.

"Hi."

He was unusually subdued. Something serious was going on here as Loki shut the computer down and switched off the router, the sudden dimming of the bright glow leaving them in near darkness.

"I need to tell you about it," Thor said, not bothering to specify what exactly he meant. "It's important to me that you know."

Right. OK.

"Shall we go upstairs, then? So you're comfortable."

"No, I... I'd like to go outside. I don't want to put bad memories into the house."

"Your hair..."

"Oh, I'll just tuck it under a hat. It won't take long."

It had snowed. Loki couldn't remember the last time he'd seen actual snow this close to Christmas. But the night was clear and cold, stars twinkling and seeming vastly more numerous than he'd ever seen, so far from the lights of the city.

Their feet crunched through the thin, frozen covering, Thor taking Loki's gloved hand absentmindedly as they made their way out towards the edge of the farm, wind-up torch giving them a little illumination.

"When I was a child, I wanted to be a race-car driver," he said softly, breath pluming in a cloud as he spoke.

Loki took a moment to absorb that.

"Seriously?"

"Very seriously. I was really into it all. Cars and statistics and F1 standings. Loved it. Followed it religiously."

It was hard to imagine. Thor would hate that kind of thing now - cars just going round and round, burning gallons of fuel and destroying tyres and for what? Entertainment?

"I was regional junior karting champion, did kids' competitions and so on... But I was desperate to get my licence. Drive a real car. My parents wouldn't let me have a go in theirs, like, in a field or anything, but they used to let me sit in it, engine off, rehearsing manoeuvres. I figured I could get ahead by practicing. Be ready for when I finally got old enough that I could get an instructor."

Loki could feel his stomach churning. What had happened? Had he been joyriding or something? Or was Balder older, had he agreed to let him drive and then...

Thor sniffed hard, sighing.

"I was sixteen. And Balder was twelve. I had an agreement with my folks that I'd never take the key out to the car. Just unlock the doors and then leave it in the kitchen. Stop me getting tempted to actually start the engine. I was out, practicing gear changes. Pressing down the clutch, bringing it up slowly. Up and down. And for some reason... For some reason I took the handbrake off for real."

This was clearly difficult for him. Loki squeezed his hand, wary of interrupting now it was finally letting it out.

"I was meant to be looking after him," Thor said, his voice breaking. "And I didn't even realise he was behind me until the car was already rolling. And then I heard him yelling and the... But I didn't have the key! I couldn't move it forward and I panicked, panicked for too long..."

Loki shook his head, confused.

"But you can't possibly have been going fast enough to..."

"It crushed him," Thor said, voice gone harsh and pained. "Against the back of the garage. Didn't hear it rolling down the drive. Not enough space to get round the side of it. Two tonnes of family hatchback versus twelve-year-old. He never stood a chance. And I tried, I tried to push it off him, neighbours came because he was screaming and then the ambulance and... The police came, and they acted like I'd done it on purpose, like I'd..."

"It was an accident," Loki said firmly.

An awful, avoidable accident, but an accident nonetheless.

All of a sudden, he understood completely. Why Thor had to save people, had to save the world; as penitence. Because he hadn't been able to save his brother.

"Never got behind the wheel of a car again," Thor said, audibly trying to keep a grip on himself. "I couldn't. I couldn't even look at my parents. The guilt was... It was all too much. Dropped out of school. Ran away from home, more or less. It was a small town, everyone knew what I'd done. The whispers followed me around constantly. So... I left. But I took the Edda with me and I read it constantly and I knew what I had to do."

"What?"

Silence. Not even a breeze whistling through the trees.

"Read it again," Thor said eventually. "Read what happens after Ragnarok. But don't worry the others about it. They're just focussed on getting through winter."

He turned back towards the house, glimmering lights at one or two windows still.

Loki had questions remaining. How had he ended up here after leaving home? Was it really his uncle's farm, that he'd inherited? How did Volstagg and Hilde end up here? What happens to make people abandon their life to move into a tumbledown estate with an old friend?

It was weird. Very weird.

All the same, his focus was on Thor now. On comforting him, if he could. Helping him let it all out.

"Accidents happen," he tried, pulling Thor back just before they went back inside. "And life is not fair."

A sad smile, heart aching.

"I feel a bit better having told you," Thor said.

The tips of his hair had frozen into ice.


	17. Preparations

What happened after Ragnarok?

Well... Nothing. It was the end of the world. Right?

Loki knew he'd have to read it through again, force his brain to make sense of the strange translation choices, really understand the sense of it.

And he wanted to talk to Hilde again. Ask her a few questions now he knew more about Thor's past.

He didn't find her straight away. He found Val instead, sitting at the kitchen table, just staring into space.

She somewhat unnerved him, even now. She evidently didn't much like him. Or at least she wasn't exactly rushing to show it, if she did.

"Everything alright?" he asked, mainly to show willing, to make an effort.

"Yeah. They're slaughtering a goat. For Solstice."

Huh. But she... She knew this would happen. She ate meat after all.

"I don't like being there when it happens," she said, answering his unspoken question. "The animals trust me. Betraying them is bad enough without them knowing it. Stupid, I know. I don't mind doing the butchering, and I know I gave it the best life I could, but I just... I can't watch it actually happen."

It wasn't stupid. Loki wasn't sure what to say though.

They didn't often actually slaughter the animals. A sheep had a lot in it. Each leg alone lasted for days, the carcass salted to preserve it. Loki had eaten all kinds of organs and parts that he would never have considered trying before. But they also ate a lot of fish from the river and pond, a lot of egg-based dishes for protein. And then there was bone broth, of course.

He'd never noticed Val quietly finding something else to do with herself every time one was killed.

Maybe distraction was the best he could do.

"What did you do before coming here?" he asked, sitting at the opposite bench. He'd never managed to ask her before.

The time never seemed right.

"Oh, nothing much. I lost my job a few years before I came here and that... Well, it put me in a dark place. I don't like to talk about it really."

Fair enough, but not very helpful.

"How did you meet Thor?"

"A friend was in the pub during one of his little talks. Thought it would be good for me to come out here for a bit. And so I did and I never left. The animals are good for me. Give me something to get out of bed for."

It was more than that. As far as he saw, she never left ever.

"Do you not... go and visit your friend even? Your parents?"

"Oh, she died. And I don't really talk to my family anymore."

Jeez.

There weren't many occasions when a man with blood on his hands entering a room would be welcome, but it seemed this was one of them.

Thor opened the door with his elbow, being very careful.

"It's done," he said simply.

"All done?"

"Volstagg's taking the hide off now and afterwards he'll make black pudding."

"Right."

Loki felt his eyes widen as she roughly yanked one of the drawers open to pull out a meat cleaver and a long, thinner knife.

Right. Butchering. Of course.

Thor smiled at him, saying something about going to rinse off in the river.

"I'd love to have it on a spit, but... Well, it's a lot easier this way."

"Yeah, I bet. Besides, we should eat inside. It's too cold to go al fresco."

A brief pause, Thor just hovering in the doorway with gory fingers.

"I'm looking forward to tonight," he said, almost shy.

"Uh. Yeah. Me too."

A grin and he stepped back, kicking the door open for little Hilde to march through, clutching several evergreen twigs.

"Loki," she said very seriously, like a solemn little penguin chick in all her layers of outdoor clothes. "We're going to make crowns. You should help."

"Crowns?" Loki repeated, feeling unmoored.

"For Solstice."

He ended up sat with her and her mother, Erik doing some drawing and Johan napping in a basket while they made bundles of conifer leaves, twisting twine around them to make something like those laurel wreathes you saw on drawings of Roman emperors.

"No holly?" Loki asked.

"Maybe when the children are older," Hilde Senior said mildly. "Don't want them pricking themselves."

That made sense. There was a little ivy in some of them too. Suitable for the time of year.

"What about mistletoe?"

That had her startling.

"Oh... No. I don't think Thor would like that much."

It took Loki a second. Of course. Mistletoe killed Balder in the myths, didn't it?

He glanced at little Hilde, carefully trying to line up different twigs in a satisfying pattern.

"He, er... He told me about that. What happened. And you knew him back then?"

"Volstagg did. Better than me. But, of course, small town... I knew what had happened."

Just as Thor had said.

"How did you end up coming here?"

She didn't reply for a few moments, concentrating on tying a knot. Even when she did, she was very quiet.

"We just wanted a different life to what we had. And, well... Thor was here. He invited us to stay for a while. See if we liked it. And we did."

Loki didn't fully believe her. There was the question of how they'd got back in touch with Thor in the first place. But she clearly didn't want to speak candidly in front of the children, which wouldn't be a problem if she wasn't also always accompanied by at least one of them.

Besides, the moment had passed and Volstagg was entering the house, a tied cloth in his hands, stained dark red and smelling distinctly of meat.

"Getting started on the starter," he said cheerfully, placing it in a pan and starting to poke up the stove. "You couldn't fetch me some water and potatoes, lad?"

"Of course," Loki said, standing up.

Despite himself, nerves had begun to settle in.

He'd sleep with Thor tonight. At last. Finally.

It felt almost like a ritual though, to do it on this night of all nights. The longest night of the year.

Stuff like that could really put a guy off his stride, as it were.

He tried his best not to worry about it as he sliced up potatoes and broccoli, helping out with the feast.

After all, he had to get through all that first.


	18. Feast

Thor sat in his usual place at the head of the table, looking like an ancient god in his crown of leaves, beaming at them.

"My friends," he said, low and reverent. "We've reached another Solstice together. As our ancestors did, let's celebrate the approaching spring."

They toasted. Loki had almost expected chanting or something.

"It's been a year of ups and downs," Thor said. "As they all are. But the arrival of Loki and, of course, the birth of Johan have made it overall completely worthwhile and successful. Now, next year may bring hardships. The risk is always there for us. But we will face these challenges together as a family. As Utvalgte."

"Utvalgte," everyone murmured.

"And now we should enjoy the feast before us."

It was surprisingly good. Rich black pudding, meat that wasn't salted - so fresh it didn't need to be. Potatoes and onions and all the winter vegetables cooked in butter.

Loki's crown made his head itch slightly, the needles digging in.

He wouldn't dare take it off though. While no one had said so, he felt this was important somehow. Ceremonial. Ritualistic almost.

Probably not at all authentic to Norse or any other culture, but right for them somehow.

Somewhere along proceedings, Thor placed a very deliberate hand on his thigh. Just for a minute or two. Nothing more. The heat of it made him shiver almost, suddenly acutely aware of his skin.

And then it was gone, just as suddenly. A questioning look, a soft smile. They were practically having a romantic dinner while chatter and laughter swirled around them.

And despite all his questions and confusion, Loki couldn't deny thrilling at it. That he'd been brought into this world, allowed to join them. Yes, it was hard and tiring and cold, and yes, briefly stepping into a department store to pee during the Christmas market had really made him miss the convenience of indoor plumbing, but he felt safe here. Cared for, by everyone to higher or lower degrees.

But especially Thor, who cared for all of them, in a way, but cared for him differently.

He felt loved, that's what it was. And while he wasn't totally sure that he loved Thor back in quite the same way, that feeling was intoxicating. Had he ever been loved before? Really loved?

Not so openly or unconditionally as this, that was for sure. Ex-boyfriends had all come with baggage as expected, and Thor did too of course - more than most even - but the difference was Thor didn't seem to expect him to fix it. Accepting was enough. He wasn't supposed to mend a long broken heart or smooth over a shattered family. He knew Thor's truth and that was all that was needed.

He might not feel love, but he felt _something._ A kind of tenderness.

And he definitely wanted to take Thor upstairs and... Well, do adult things with him.

There was singing. Folk songs and the occasional Christmas carol. Loki even knew some of them, though he wasn't sure where from. Must have heard them a long time ago. Maybe his grandmother used to sing them.

He couldn't remember spending an evening like this. Family Christmasses were usually overhyped and underwhelming in his experience, full of shouting and too much food. There was a lot to be said for this relatively simple little celebration.

All the same, he found himself thinking of his parents. What on earth would they think of him being here, shacked up in a half falling down mansion with a bunch of strangers and about to sleep with a man convinced the end was nigh?

Maybe he ought to call them one of these days. Let them know he was still alive.

He couldn't even think how long it had been.

"You OK?" Thor asked softly, waking him from troubled musing.

"Yeah. Just this time of year, you know. It draws out reflection."

"Second thoughts?"

A beat, a blink and Loki carefully reversed their earlier position, running his fingers up Thor's thigh.

"Not about the present," he said. "Just... you know. Old stuff. Water under the bridge. Stuff I can't change now. And I don't want to think about that kind of thing at the moment."

"Need distraction?"

Nodding. He wanted this.

God knew he'd waited long enough.

Little Hilde was practically asleep in her plate, her little brothers already long gone to bed, when Thor took Loki's hand and bade everyone goodnight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow, I promise.


	19. Solstice

The stairs were dark after the candles of dinner, quiet too, and cold. Pleasantly so, though. Refreshing.

Loki had been a little worried that they'd eat or drink too much to feel up to consummating - and, Jesus, where had that word sprung out of his brain from? They weren't married or anything - but the chill only sharpened his desire to have warm flesh pressed to his own.

"How are we going to do this?" he asked, aiming for sultry but mainly getting breathless.

Thor just squeezed his hand, leading him to their bedroom and on to the bed.

"You lie here," he said. "And let me handle everything."

Mmm... Alright.

Thor lit a candle, the flickering light making his face seem strange, pulling off his clothes but putting his crown back in place afterwards. Loki tried to discourage the part of his brain that felt like he was on an altar, giving himself to some heathen chieftan.

He watched as Thor fetched the oil, only belatedly remembering to remove his own clothes, the orange glow falling across his stomach like sunset, like flames...

Thor scooped out a generous portion on two of his fingers, planting one foot upon the bed and reaching between his own legs.

"Oh," Loki said.

Thor looked up at him in surprise.

"Is this not what you want?"

"It's not what I expected. But I do want it."

He wasn't sure why he hadn't expected Thor to bottom, not really, but it was something else watching him prepare himself, the faint smell of coconut, the shadows obscuring Thor's motions to leave him with only sounds and the look on his face, that expression somewhere between concentration and lust...

Going too fast. Loki knew he was, he could tell. He'd done that, a long time ago. Too ambitious, too impatient.

"Hey," he managed to say, his voice cracking. "Slow down. Be careful."

Thor hummed at him, indulgent.

"But I'm so close to being ready."

"Please. Be gentle with yourself."

Eyes that had fallen closed flashed open, huge in the half darkness.

"I'll try," Thor said, full of finality.

What the hell did that mean?

Loki tried to ignore his own wants, forcing himself to wait. This was important. He wanted it to be good for both of them. Better than good, if possible.

At least Thor seemed to be listening. He was being methodical and careful, almost driving Loki to despair before finally crawling onto the bed and up Loki's body.

The kiss was deep and long, cupping Loki's jaw with his clean hand, the other supporting his weight and then reaching back to grasp Loki's cock...

They moaned together, Thor almost forcing his way down, Loki overwhelmed by everything, back arching up off the bed. He'd known Thor hadn't prepared enough. Everything might be suitably slick, but he was much, much too tight.

For a moment, they panted at each other, chests heaving, tears in Thor's eyes. And Loki was shaking his head, feeling something he wasn't sure about, that he didn't understand, grabbing at Thor's hips to keep him still.

It was like something inside his heart was tearing.

"Wait," he said. "Please, wait."

He'd thought he was the one being sacrificed, but here Thor was, wearing a ceremonial headdress, body smeared with oil like he'd been anointed, beginning to roll his hips, unstoppable, like the water wheel's endless turning.

"Thor..."

"I'm alright. It's good, Loki. Stop worrying; just feel."

As if he wasn't feeling it, the heat, the friction, but he couldn't enjoy it properly until he felt some tension give, heard Thor moan openly. Only then could he allow himself to let go, to give himself to the sensations.

He ran his hands up Thor's thighs, feeling his muscles moving, wrapping one around his cock. It was hot, as usual, his own skin feeling chill beside it. Like Thor was a creature of spring and warmth, making love with the winter.

Clumsy strokes, unable to find much rhythm, but it seemed to be working, Thor's thick breathing echoing around them, his shadow so strange in the candle light, arching forward to capture Loki's lips.

There were moans in his breath, intoxicating to Loki's ears, letting his eyes close. He felt surrounded, overwhelmed, desperate already as Thor seemed to be trying to go harder, his cock leaking over Loki's hand.

Lips against his neck, something rougher, almost with his teeth and Loki suddenly felt unbearably close, unable to keep stroking Thor as he scrabbled at his flesh, trying to thrust upwards into that perfect heat, so close, so close...

Thor gasped to feel him spill inside, rocking his hips all the faster and stroking his own cock rapidly, going almost rigid as he finished, his breath coming in great clouds in the cold air. Like they were outside.

Loki couldn't move. He was sticky and exhausted, panting and covered in Thor's spend. Covered in Thor before too long, pulled into an embrace and held close. Thor was so warm that Loki was amazed he wasn't steaming.

"Thank you," he heard against his ear. "I couldn't have imagined a better first time."

Loki stared at the ceiling, eyes wide.

"First time?"

"Together."

That's what he said, but Loki wasn't sure if he believed it. Could that have been his FIRST first time?

No. Surely not. Looking like that, so self-assured. No one could act that well.

The chill was starting to set in, the tiredness too. Loki managed to pull on his fluffiest pyjamas at least, not wanting to be woken up by cold, and snuggled into Thor's side, forcing his worries away for the night.

The crown ended up looped over the bed post.


	20. Morning

Loki was woken by the sound of Thor grunting.

"You alright?"

"Mm. Bit tender maybe."

Loki hauled the blankets closer around his body, not ready for daytime yet.

"Told you to slow down," he murmured.

Thor chuckled, leaning over to give him a kiss.

"I'll bring you up a nettle tea."

Loki didn't much like nettle tea, but it would be hot and that would make up for almost everything.

The room had a strange, lingering scent, coconut and pine, like a trendy Christmas cake. He could just imagine someone's mother, beaming away, so proud that she'd not made the usual fruity one.

There would probably be work to be done, but Loki felt he could laze around for a little longer. At least until the sun was properly up. The nights would be shortening from now on.

He dozed and dreamed of long summer evenings, sitting out in the low light, curled up in Thor's lap, relaxed and peaceful.

The clink of a cup being set down woke him, Thor slipping back into bed beside him for cuddles. Soft. Warm. Strong.

What might their lives be like if things were different? If they were normal? He could almost imagine it. A little flat. Lazy weekends after long working weeks. Safe and warm and dry...

Well, he had those last three here. He was safe, Thor kept him warm and even in the autumn downpours, the roof was strong and sure.

Didn't mean he wouldn't appreciate an indoor bathroom though...

"Mm... I'll be back in a second," he said, extracting himself from Thor's embrace. "Got to visit nature."

"I hope you enjoyed last night," Thor blurted out.

Loki stopped dead trying to shove some shoes on.

"Of course I did," he said, reaching for one of Thor's jumpers. Extra warmth.

"It's just... You know."

"No, I don't know. We had sex, Thor. It was a lot of fun. Now will you please let me go outside to pee?"

The concern was back as he undid the latch, took a deep breath and set out for the outhouse, walking in the remains of yesterday's footprints.

Bracing. Possibly refreshing if he forced himself to think that way, carefully only exposing the parts of his anatomy that were strictly necessary. There were some places you really didn't want to get frostbite.

He still had the remains of Thor's spunk on his lower stomach.

Thinking of which, Thor had clearly been concerned about his performance. That suggested maybe he wasn't particularly experienced.

But his blow jobs were so good... No novice could just do that by instinct alone.

But that wasn't the same as SEX sex, was it? And definitely not the same as bottoming.

The house was probably freezing, but compared to outside it was welcoming and cosy, even as he climbed the stairs with a heavy question on his tongue.

"Had you never had sex before?" he asked, standing in the doorway.

Thor scoffed, but he seemed nervous.

"Of course I've had sex before. I'm not a monk."

"But I mean... Had you ever had sex like that before?"

A bit of a pause. Don't lie to me, Loki thought. Please. Not now.

"No," Thor said eventually. "I've never met anyone who I wanted to do it with before."

Oh. Right. Well...

"I wish you'd told me," Loki said, unsure what to do other than shrug in exasperation.

"Why?"

"So I could have... I don't know. Made it more special."

Laughing, patting the bed, inviting him back in.

And it was cold out here...

"You did make it special," Thor insisted when he was bundled up again, holding him close, lips brushing his scalp. "Just by being yourself. By indulging me."

Loki didn't want to be placated so easily, even if the hand running over his hip was very nice...

"Next time, you should let me take care of you."

"Alright."

Kisses were still nice. Maybe his feathers were suitably smoothed by the time the distinct smell of food began wafting up the stairs.

"Must be lunchtime."

"Mm. Good old Volstagg. The rest of us might be having a bit of a day off, but he's always in a mood to feed people."

They had to show their faces. And maybe it was Loki's imagination, but he felt like everyone knew what they'd been up to. Were the walls really that thin? Or did they just know Thor, how he'd like to be celebrating Solstice with his lover too?

Ugh, he shouldn't worry. They were a couple, after all. Everyone probably thought they'd been at it like knives since before he moved in. He was just imagining that Volstagg was giving him extra black pudding to help get his strength up for any reason other than friendliness.

He got to go back to bed afterwards, while Thor went out to tend to the animals and do the other urgent jobs, wrap himself in all the blankets.

It was hard to sleep without Thor though. When had that happened?

The winter sun was reflecting off the snow outside, filling the room with brightness. He might doze, but he wouldn't sleep...

The Edda was sitting in its prideful place on the mantle. Loki braved the chill to cross the room and fetch it.

What happened after Ragnarok? Right...

The pillows made a little fort for him, the book before his eyes, trying to find the right verse.


	21. Questions and (Some) Answers

After Ragnarok came rebirth, apparently. Eternal lush vegetation, an eagle hunting fish for some reason. Crops growing without being sown.

But that wasn't the part that had Loki sitting up properly, frowning. That came a little later.

_"All evil will be undone; Baldr will come_  
_In Valhal shall Hod and Baldr live,_  
_The gods of death flourish,_  
_Wouldst thou know more?"_

Surely it couldn't be...

No. Loki put the book down on Thor's pillow and petulantly turned his back on it. As if it would leave him alone if he did that, stop filling his head.

_"Baldr will come..."_

Thor couldn't seriously believe that after the world ended, his dead brother would return. Not literally. They were metaphors. It was just a metaphor. Thor talked about it all being metaphorical, all the stuff with the wolf and the snake and the guy with the thick shoes.

He didn't literally think he was Thor, the god Thor. Didn't make sense. After all, Thor wasn't the one who accidentally killed Balder in the myths.

And you'd have to leap through a lot of mental hoops to make a car into mistletoe for one thing.

The idea wouldn't leave his brain though. Like something under his skin, like a splinter he couldn't get out. What if Thor did think that? What if that was why he wasn't really worried about the world ending?

All evil undone, including mistakes... That would appeal. That would appeal very much.

Redemption. That's what Thor wanted. He wanted to help people, to save people.

So maybe he was hoping for a metaphorical return of Balder. A child, an innocent. Maybe he was hoping for a return to a more innocent time. Closer to nature.

That was probably it. That had to be it.

Loki dozed, forced himself to, and this time dreamed fitfully of the floor giving way and swallowing him up, and then of being underwater where freezing cold fishes brushed against his skin...

Strangely hand-shaped fishes.

"Sorry," Thor whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"You're so cold..."

"Mm. Been out in the snow."

Loki huffed a little, trying to stay in his little cocoon. There was a papery sound, a book being moved.

"Been reading the Edda again?"

Ah. Yes.

"Yeah. The stuff that happens after Ragnarok, like you said."

He dared to open one eye, trying to gauge Thor's reaction. Inscrutable. He had his eyes shut, cheeks turned to pink apples in the cold.

"Baldr will come," he tried.

Thor sighed, turning away.

"Yeah," he said.

Was that it? Wasn't he going to elaborate on that?

Loki rolled onto his stomach, propping himself up on his elbows. This was important. He needed to know.

"You'll have to explain it to me. I don't understand the nuances in the way you do."

"What do you think it means?"

Loki hesitated for a few seconds. Should he go for the best option or the worst?

"It's the rebirth of the world. Recapturing the potential lost."

"Exactly," Thor said. "Don't worry. I don't think Balder's going to walk through the door like nothing happened. But maybe... Maybe some of that exuberance, that love for life that he had might come back into the world. But he's gone. I know that. I won't see him again until my time comes."

"You believe in an afterlife?"

"I hope there is one. Is that the same thing?"

Hmm. Maybe?

It was difficult to say. Belief generally held a degree of certainty. That's what faith was, right? Being sure of something with no way to prove it?

"You seem... I don't know. Melancholy about it. I imagine most people find it comforting, that's all."

"Well... It involves a lot of letting go. No matter how happy I get now, I know things have to change eventually. But don't worry. Mostly I'm just melacholy -as you put it - because it's winter. Having to slow down doesn't suit me. All the darkness closing in."

He was talking in riddles, trying to distract him. Loki wasn't sure he could handle it.

"You weren't melancholy last night," he offered.

Thor chuckled, a deep rumble that vibrated through Loki's very bones.

"Well, no. But I was rather pleasantly engaged, wasn't I?"

"And now we've done it once, there's less pressure..."

Still with his eyes closed, Thor pursed his lips, evidently pleased.

"Mm?"

"Seems to me that you're in need of being well and truly warmed up."

Really Loki just wanted to dispel thoughts of Ragnarok from his mind. Too sad, too heavy.

They didn't get much further than foreplay before dinner was called up the stairs.

"Be down soon," Thor yelled back, kissing Loki's annoyed pout from his lips and reaching into his pyjamas.

"Let me leave you with a promise for later," he said, stroking fast and sure.

It was hard to stay cross at an interrupted tryst when Thor was working him so well, kissing his neck and murmuring nonsense against his skin.

Maybe he ought to worry a little more that Thor was almost looking forward to the end of the world, but then again, it was nice to be so appreciated. Thor trusted him like no one else, wanted him. Wanted to share the post-Ragnarok world with him.

Loki might not be in love, but maybe he could feel the edge of it now.


	22. Interview Pt IV

_Surely there couldn't be that much money gone through the website? He hadn't looked. Hadn't so much as been at a cash machine in months, let alone checked his balance. He hadn't really expected anything to actually be donated._

_And then there'd been that storm and the roof on the animal barn had needed repaired and what with everything that had been happening, he'd rather forgotten about it._

_The officers left him alone for a few minutes. And then another few. And then close to twenty or even half an hour. Letting him stew? Maybe. They couldn't be done with him or he'd be back to the cells having a nap._

_No, they'd been told something new. He could tell from their faces when they reappeared, the look of concern rather than boredom. It worried him. Had something... happened?_

_Please no..._

_"You said Thor told you he inherited the farm from his uncle, right?"_

_"Yeah? That's what he told me."_

_"And his uncle's name?"_

_Shrugging. He'd never asked. Never asked his parents' names now he thought about it._

_"Mr Laufeyson, does the name Bill Porte mean anything to you? Or Raymond Porte?"_

_Loki frowned. Bill Porte? Yeah, that... That rang a bell in the back of his mind. He'd seen that somewhere... Where was it?_

_"I... I think I've seen Bill Porte written down. Like... in the front of a book in the house maybe."_

_They seemed quite excited about that. Leaning forward, urgent and keen._

_"Did you see this name on any documents or papers on the farm? Letters maybe? Anything official?"_

_"I don't know. I can't remember, but I don't think so. Why? Who's Bill Porte?"_

_A glance between the two of them, a nod from the one who seemed more senior._

_"Raymond William Porte, known as Bill, owns... Or should we say owned the house and farm that you call Asgard. He called it Korbin. But it seems no one has seen him or heard from him for nearly fifteen years. Not his doctor, not his bank manager. No one."_

_Loki frowned._

_"So he's Thor's uncle, right? Where is he?"_

_They were trying to tell if he was lying. If he was hiding something. But he wasn't. He genuinely didn't know._

_"As far as we can find out, there is no relation - blood or otherwise - between Thor Odinson and Bill Porte other than that they have occupied the same house and land. However, given the false alarm you called us with, we took the sniffer dogs around the estate as a precaution. And they found human remains."_

_Loki's whole body went cold, blinking hard, his chest tightening. No... No, that wasn't right. That wasn't supposed to happen._

_"Thor wouldn't hurt anyone," he said, wishing he sounded more sure._

_"He claims that Bill Porte died of natural causes. That he had said he didn't want to be buried away from home and so he buried him on the estate. However, he failed to inform the authorities. And he has continued to draw his pension."_

_Loki leant forwards, head in his hands. Oh, Thor... What were you thinking?_

_Failure to record a death, unlicensed burial was probably a crime and then pension fraud on top of that..._

_One of the police officers pulled a piece of paper out of her folder. A transcript? Someone else's interview?_

_"Bill was my friend," she read. "He was a lonely soul. I met him in a soup kitchen when I was briefly homeless and he invited me to live with him in return for odd jobs and errands. I took care of him and he promised me the farm as he had no other living relatives. I even called him my uncle, we were that close. However, he never wrote a will and I discovered him dead in his sleep one morning. Heart attack or something. Knowing I would have no legal rights and that he did not want to be put in a soulless cemetary, I buried him beneath the big oak tree."_

_She looked up at him, no expression. Waiting for his reaction. He didn't have one to give, his stomach full of rocks or ice cubes. Heaviness and coldness and numbness._

_Thor's words. He probably thought he was doing the right thing. Or that Ragnarok would come and the mechanisms of the law would change. Or that it wasn't morally wrong, so the police would understand. He thought it would never catch up with him._

_"The body is badly decomposed, but we have ordered a post-mortem."_

_Loki nodded vaguely. Yes, alright. If there were no injuries to the old man - and there wouldn't be any, he was sure of it - that would prove no foul play. Just misplaced loyalty. And the pension to keep the place ticking over while he built Asgard._

_That one was maybe a little harder to justify._

_They had some of Thor's interviews though. Loki's fingers itched to reach for the paper, to read it all through._

_"Has he said anything about me? Thor?"_

_"Yes."_

_Loki waited expectantly._

_"And?" he tried._

_"And what he's said isn't relevant to what we're talking about. We may have more questions later, but for now we're going to charge you with assisting an offender and embezzlement of funds. You'll be taken back to your cell now."_

_Heavy door. Single bed, solid lump of foam as a mattress. Toilet in the corner._

_Ha... Indoor plumbing, at last._

_They brought him food. There were noodles. It had been so long since he'd last had noodles._

_He was trying to focus on the positives._


	23. An Incident

The roof on the animal pen fell in early in January. The snow had begun to thaw and the sudden weight of water was too much for the old wood and tiles.

Of course, the first they knew of it was the sound of the animals screaming in the middle of the night. Sheep and goats crying out. A horrible, distressing sound.

Loki had barely woken as he felt Thor leap out of bed, panicked almost. What was happening? A thief? Something worse?

He went to the window wrapped in a blanket to see if he could make anything out in the dark, spotting the flailing lights as Thor and Val rushed out through the snow. Their torches fell on the roof, the jagged line where the gable used to be.

Right. Put on another layer or two. Go down and assist.

Somewhere elsewhere in the house, Johan was crying, upset by the noise probably. Little Hilde peeked out from the little room, almost an airing cupboard, that she slept in for extra warmth, looking scared.

"What's happened?" she whispered. "Thor just ran by and the animals..."

"It's alright. Just a repair needed. Stay inside and keep warm."

Loki never really knew what to say to children. Reassurance didn't come naturally to him.

Outside was carnage. Val was panting hard, hurling broken pieces of wood aside, being a little more careful with the roof tiles. They could be reused, probably.

Meanwhile, Thor was carrying a complaining sheep along to the shed where they did all their drying, mostly empty at this time of year.

"What needs done?" Loki asked.

"There's some trapped," Thor strained. "Injured maybe, definitely panicking. We need to move the others to get to them."

Before long, the whole house was outside except Hilde and the children. That many adults made quick work of clearing the debris even in the dark and cold.

Adrenaline had also clearly kicked in. Only once he could pause and breathe did Loki realise his hands were freezing and aching.

It could have been worse. One of the sheep was limping, but nothing seemed broken. Maybe there'd been a leak of thawing water or a draught or something that had discouraged them from being too near where the roof collapsed.

Thor sighed heavily, his body practically steaming in the night air.

"I think that's all we can do for now. They're safe. We should go back inside and examine the damage properly in daylight."

It was something of a sombre return. Hilde had put the children back to bed and made tea for everyone, her red hair all tousled and loose.

It might have been the cure for all ills with the way they reacted to it. Hot and comforting, everyone in the kitchen with their coats on over their sleeping clothes, practically huddled together for warmth.

There was a palpable air of relief though. Things couldn't be helped sometimes, but at least they hadn't lost any of the flock.

Exhaustion seemed to hit them suddenly, the rush over, Sif almost falling asleep against Heimdall's shoulder. Bodies reminding them that they really ought to rest.

Thor's hand slipped into Loki's on the way up the stairs, feeling the scrapes with pursed lips of concern.

"Your poor fingers..."

"Are you going to kiss them better?"

It seemed so. Loki fell asleep to Thor gently pressing his lips to the pads of his fingertips and to each knuckle and woke with a hiss to the cuts being gently wiped with warm salted water.

"They'll be fine," he protested. "Barely scratched."

"Shh. Let me take care of you. For my sake if not yours."

Well... Maybe he couldn't begrudge being doted on really.

"How's Val holding up? She loves those beasts."

"She was up before me. I'm not sure she really slept afterwards. It looks like a reasonably simple repair though. We should have everything necessary to handle it, except enough daylight hours."

"Can they live in the barley shed for now?"

"I think so. I'd rather they didn't give birth there though."

How was this his life now? Thinking about lambs being born, about crop rotation, repairing a roof without just calling in a builder or whatever...

It certainly hadn't been what he'd imagined as a kid, that was for sure.

Thor insisted on wrapping his hands in soft cloths, kissing them again as he tied a gentle knot to hold it in place.

"There," he said. "Fetters."

"Mm," Loki said, raising his eyebrows. "Don't give me ideas."

He had perhaps imagined someone like Thor when he was young though. Someone caring and loving.

It was weird that actually having that might be the most surprising twist of all.


	24. Repairs

Chopping wood was not Loki's forte. He didn't have an eye for it. The sawing wasn't too bad, but the axe was not for him as it turned out.

Well, never mind. Between lifting and hauling and measuring, building of platforms to stand on and pulley systems, there was plenty he could do as the repair efforts got underway. The sound of hammering echoed around the estate, a near constant background noise.

It took weeks. Little Hilde went back to school, rather against her wishes after the excitement of being at home and amongst all the industry and work.

Seeing green shoots had never been more welcome, even if it was just grass and the occasional snowdrop. Loki felt like he'd never appreciated it properly before. After a long, cold winter, things were finally looking up.

Slow, difficult repairs. It kept raining, horrible, cold, sleetish rain. It couldn't be good for the wood, Loki felt. And, of course, getting some plastic tarps to cover everything was so far out of the question that he didn't bother to ask.

There were some issues he wanted to check up on though.

"How are we going to get the tiles back on? You can't hammer them. They'll break."

"Basic mortar," Fandrall said. "The Romans and the ancient Egyptians knew how to make it and so do we. I'll need an extra pair of arms if you're volunteering."

It was hard work. No electric mixer, just a large metal bucket and shovels.

Fandral was something of an anomaly as far as Loki was concerned. While he still used a plastic razor to shave and the other men had trimmed beards, Fandral used a straight blade to carefully groom his facial hair into a neat moustache and beard. If the rest of them seemed like historical throwbacks, Fandral was definitely straight from the 1920s. All he was missing was the pinstripe suit and the hat.

"How did you learn to do this?" Loki asked, breathing hard. "You weren't a builder or anything?"

"My dad was, way back when. Used to do plastering. I'm just using his technique and stuff I read on the internet. It's just lime, sand and water. Easy-peasy."

"And... And what's lime?"

"Calcium carbonate. Basically chalk. We already had some in. It's the same stuff we're going to use to paint..."

He stopped suddenly, his whole demeanor carrying an air of having made a miatake.

"I... Er... Forget I said that."

"Paint the dairy?" Loki asked. "I was talking to Thor about that months ago."

"Yeah, so I definitely didn't tell you that Thor's planning to surprise you with it..."

He had listened. More than that, he'd acted on the idea.

Despite himself, despite his own pride, Loki was strangely pleased at having had an idea deemed a good one.

"I won't tell him you said anything."

He was lying. Later that evening, with Thor rubbing at his aching arms, Loki took the opportunity to mention casually that if they had anything left over from fixing the roof, they could always make up some whitewash.

"It can't be that difficult."

And Thor smiled at him, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, Fandral. Never was good at secrets. He got chatty, huh?"

"A little bit. It's still a very nice surprise."

"What, that I listen sometimes?"

"No... Well, maybe a little."

A slight tickle battle later and Loki was on top - and Thor really should have known better than to have challenged him - breathless and rather thinking of other activities they could be getting up to.

With that in mind, he gently drove his hips down in a slow circle, watching as Thor's expression changed from amused to intrigued.

It wasn't like they didn't have sex, it was just a little less frequent than Loki might have liked, usually because he was too tired for anything overly strenuous. It was just easier somehow to flop into bed, maybe jerk each other off, the odd blow job here than there.

Though to be fair, it made the times they did get to spend time on it into a proper event. Exciting. Anticipated.

"Which way?" Thor asked, unmistakably physically interested now, and deferring to him in these matters as always.

"Well, I've been so strained lately... But you seem far more energetic."

It was quite thrilling to feel Thor's hands seize his hips and deftly flip him onto his stomach on the other side of the bed.


	25. Intimacy (Again)

It had taken a little time, but he'd taught Thor how to prepare him well, just the way he liked. Those big, calloused fingers had the potential to be rough, but Thor was always so gentle.

Loki gently moaned into the pillow, his legs spread with Thor between them, stretching him open so carefully.

He managed to manoeuvre his way out of his t-shirt, enjoying the way Thor instantly ran his other hand over his back, looking over his shoulder to see his face.

His eyes were hooded already, lips damp, mouth slightly open. He was watching the way Loki's flesh yielded to him, twisting his wrist in just the right way to make Loki keen, leaking against the sheets.

"Mmm... Mm, enough. Get in me."

"You can take a little more."

"But I don't _want_ more."

In more capricious moods, they could tease each other senseless like that. Loki had made Thor come from being fingered plenty of times and he couldn't deny that this was all very nice, but all the same, he had an itch that needed scratching.

And, bless him, Thor obliged, getting properly undressed while Loki got up on his hands and knees, only to find himself pulled upright, tumbling into Thor's lap and then - far more gently - his cock.

Strange angle. Loki found himself gasping, his head lolling back against Thor's shoulder, feeling lips against his neck, hands skimming over his nipples.

And then Thor took hold of him around the waist and got started.

Loki had got used to very gentle sex, which was lovely and gave him tingling fuzzy feelings all over, but after a particularly stressful day when everything seemed to go wrong, he had ridden Thor hard and discovered that he could go rough, if he was in the right mood.

This was not really rough. More relentless. Loki tried to match his rhythm for a while, the long, powerful strokes, but his thighs were already tired and he soon insisted on returning to all fours just to be able to support his own weight.

Thor held him by the shoulder and hip, moving his body back, back, back against him, adding to the strength of his thrusts, making him cry out helplessly.

Too helplessly, it seemed.

"You OK?" the half-growl putting thrills up his spine.

"Uh-huh..."

"Sure?"

"More..."

A warm chuckle, deep and heavy.

"Alright."

Loki knew it was possible to come untouched with practice, but also fuck practice. His whole body was alive and growing closer and he just needed to touch a little bit...

"I need you to promise me something."

Beg pardon?

"Wha...?" he managed, struggling to think through the fog of pleasure all around him, the sharp spike of need in his stomach.

"Later," Thor muttered, getting his rhythm back on track.

He'd rather thrown Loki out of the moment, but his body didn't seem to care, jerking uncontrollably as Thor reached under him to grasp his cock, overwhelming him with sensation and moaning openly into his shoulder as he collapsed on top. There was no mistaking that he'd finished too.

After some panting and kissing of his sweat-soaked skin, Thor rolled off, leaving him cold almost.

"What were you talking about?" Loki asked, slithering under the blankets. Clean-up could wait.

"Oh... Nothing."

"Didn't sound like nothing."

Thor sighed, reaching for his pyjamas.

"I just... You know I love you, right?"

Loki flopped onto his stomach, still facing him. More comfortable.

"You've mentioned it, yes."

He was trying to diffuse a little tension, but Thor looked at him with such seriousness in his eyes.

"I do," he said. "I love you and I trust you. And I want you to promise me that if anything ever happened to me, you'd look after everyone."

This had all gone very strange.

"How do you mean?"

"I mean... I mean Val, for instance. Don't let her get too internalised. It isn't good for her. And make sure Heimdall and Sif have each other but that they don't close themselves off. Encourage Hogun to talk and Fandral to listen and don't let Hilde and Volstagg try to parent everyone..."

"I meant... I meant if what happened to you? What's going to happen?"

"Oh, nothing," Thor said, fetching his sleep clothes from where they'd been tossed aside. "Nothing. Just... Well, the barn's had me thinking about how accidents do happen sometimes. It's good to be prepared."

Well, it... It was, Loki supposed.

He could have done with being prepared in a slightly less stressful way though.


	26. Hilde's Story

The new roof was finished three days before the first lamb was born.

Knowing the realities of life and actually being present for them were two very different things, Loki was learning. There was rather a lot of... fluid for one thing.

It wasn't breathing at first. It was quite something to see Val pick it up by its hind legs and swing it gently back and forth, relying on gravity to clear its wind pipe, even blowing into its mouth until it took a gasping breath and began bleating.

Ten minutes later, it was like nothing had happened. It was merrily being licked by its mother, perfectly content.

"Where did you learn to do that?" Loki asked.

"TV. I lived in the inner city as a kid and I loved watching stuff about farms and the country. Always dreaming of something different."

It didn't seem like a technique you could just learn by watching. As was often the case, Loki wondered if there wasn't something he wasn't being told about.

He didn't have much time to worry about that though. Too busy. More than just the roof had felt the brunt of winter. There were fences needing fixed, gates, the chicken coop needed reinforcing. And then the early planting, some in neat, steady rows, dropping seeds carefully, some needing energetic throwing of whole handfuls of grain.

Little Hilde and Erik ran up and down, hollering and whooping to keep the birds away, getting cawed at by furious jackdaws.

No doubt they'd eat their fill as soon as backs were turned despite the lanky scarecrow Hogun produced. Made himself, it seemed. Maybe he did have a sense of fun after all.

But if the little ones were outside, occupied in healthy aerobic activity, that meant Hilde Senior might be alone...

Loki felt quite bad for trying to target her so, but he really did have to know how she'd ended up here. Volstagg, he could just about imagine. The man lived to cook, to feed people, being the live-in chef for such a large household would be a dream come true. But she seemed... sensible. One for PTA meetings or village bake sales or bird watching club. A pillar of the society. So why was she shunning it?

The winter wool had been taken off some of the sheep, the ones not expecting lambs, and Hilde was gently swirling it in a big vat. Cleaning it, he thought. Johan was asleep, safe in his little basket.

"Need a hand?" Loki asked.

She knew his real purpose though. Eyes full of mistrust, but somehow resigned.

"It takes a bit of practice not to turn it into a big lump," she said. "But you can peg some up for me if you're careful."

It wasn't exactly difficult. He just copied what she'd already done and tried to ignore how disgusting cold, wet wool felt beneath his fingers.

"What made you come here?" he asked. "Thor said he left home young. Did he stay in touch with you or something?"

Sloshing. A soft sigh.

"No. No, we bumped into him by chance. We were trying to move into the city before we started a family, but we weren't having much luck."

Move into the city? That was weird.

"Don't most people try to get out to the suburbs, where you already were? For gardens and so on?"

"Mm. But, uh... We were trying to get away from something. Someone."

Loki dropped a peg, water running down his arm as he tried to grab it without dropping anything else on the floor.

"Who?" he asked, going for nonchalant.

A deeper, heavier sigh. This was difficult.

"Thor trusts you," she said, almost to herself. "So I suppose I do too. But once I've told you, I never want to talk about it again."

Ominous.

"Of course," he said.

She took a deep breath, the motions of her hands never stopping.

"When I was about eight, my parents separated. Divorced. It happens. And when I was twelve, my mother started seeing a new guy. She thought I was old enough to deal with it. And I was. And at first, he was great. Really nice to me. Always giving me little presents, ice cream... Until they were married and she started leaving him alone with me."

Oh. Oh, no. She didn't even have to say it out loud. The implication was clear.

"Your mum didn't believe you?" 

"I didn't ever tell her. How could I? Tell her the man she loved and trusted was capable of that? She'd have been devastated. Blamed herself. No, I just started spending a lot of time out of the house. Staying late in the library. Sleepovers, always at other people's houses. And Volstagg was... there for me. My closest and dearest friend. Love of my life."

She paused for a long time, Johan snoring gently.

"We moved in together as soon as we could," she said. "Aged eighteen. Everyone thought we were crazy, that it would never work. Young love never lasts, they said. We were... twenty, twenty-two maybe when Balder died and Thor vanished. Dirt poor, but happy and safe. And then a few years later, we had a pregnancy scare. False alarm, but it terrified me. My stepdad was so close by. How could I have children knowing he'd be able to see them, able to manufacture time alone with them? And so we decided to leave. To go far away, where he couldn't hurt them."

"You could have told someone. Your mother. The police."

"No. He was too well known in the community. No one would have believed me, especially leaving it so long. We just had to get out. Moved to a horrible bedsit, only temporary. And Volstagg stumbled across Thor going to his meeting one night and... Well, he had so much space out here. It made sense, while we got on our feet. And now it's been over a decade."

Just like him. Meant to be temporary, actually long-term.

"Are you happy, though?" he asked. "Here, I mean? It's hardly luxury."

"I'm safe. My children are safe. My husband is happy. What else could I possibly want? This bit is ready for hanging."

More wet wool. Ugh...

"When did Thor first start with... you know. The Norse stuff?"

"Oh, early. I remember him recounting them over dinner, just the three of us. We laughed so hard at the Lokasenna, I cried."

"But you don't think it's weird? Or dangerous even?"

He dared a little look over his shoulder, trying to be subtle. Her eyebrows were slightly raised, like she had her mind well and truly made up on the matter.

"Thor went through a terrible thing," she said. "And so did I. And the one thing I know is that you find ways to cope. Myths and nature is how Thor copes. And, believe you me, there are much, much less healthy options he could have chosen."

Loki didn't feel he could argue with that.

"I'm sorry," he said. "For what you went through."

"Don't be. Only one person should be and I don't think he's capable of it. But, well... Now you know."

Yes. And it explained a lot.


	27. Shadows

Loki felt he was possibly beginning to piece a few things together now.

Thor was running from his past, the death of his brother. He was trying to make a difference to the world, to make some meaning out of life. He was trying to save people. And that was where the others came in.

Hilde was trying to give her kids the safe, happy childhood that was taken from her. Sif and Heimdall had clearly been through a lot and just wanted peace. Val had something going on, he wasn't sure what, looking after the animals so diligently, finding things that needed her.

The others he was less sure of. Hogun mentioned Japan sometimes. Had something happened there? Had he left for a specific reason? And Fandral seemed positively happy-go-lucky and fancy free. What could possibly be lurking in the background for him?

Maybe they were like him. Just normal. People down on their luck who ended up coming for a while and then staying.

It wasn't like Thor thought _he_ needed saving from anything... did he?

He hadn't ever mentioned anything. He didn't tend to talk about his past much. Maybe that made Thor assume there had to be something.

And, well... Not really. Nothing like what Hilde had been through, certainly.

Maybe he ought to ask Thor about that, about why he'd felt drawn to him.

The universe liked to pay jokes sometimes. He was scrubbing down the kitchen one afternoon when Thor and Val suddenly burst in from outside. The smell hit him first. Blood. Unmistakably blood.

And then there was a crimson, shivering _something_ on his nice clean surface and Val was struggling with the flint and steel, trying to light the stove.

"What is it?" Loki heard himself ask.

"Rejected lamb," Thor said. "The mother abandoned it."

Loki felt a stab in his heart, unexpectedly. Real pain. Something that probably wouldn't have bothered him so much if his mind hadn't been circling unhappy waters, threatening to dredge something up from the silt of the distant past.

Thor took the tools from Val's trembling hands, striking a light.

"It needs warmed up," he said. "Can you get a blanket, please? Val, get some milk."

"We've only got goat..."

"And I'm sure that will be fine. It just needs nutrients. That's the main thing."

Blanket, blanket. Loki rushed to the hall linen closet and tried to find an old one, moth-eaten despite Hilde's best efforts with lavender, one that could be stained without worrying about it.

He returned to find Thor hunched in front of the stove, the lamb held like a baby, barely complaining at being handled, only letting out weak bleats.

They bundled it up, a little milk being heated. They didn't even have a bottle or anything...

Loki cleaned the table - again - in something of a daze, watching Val carefully dip the corner of the blanket in milk and let it suck it off, over and over again.

It's just a lamb, he told himself. You eat these things. This shouldn't feel so intense. It shouldn't matter so much.

Time had slowed to a horrible crawl by the time the lamb fell asleep in Thor's arms. It probably wasn't out of the woods yet though.

"Why do you think it was... left?" Loki said, even a quiet voice seeming much too loud.

"It happens sometimes," Val murmured. "It's nature. Nothing you can do about it. Sometimes something just doesn't click."

She took the bundle, holding it close and letting Thor move out of the uncomfortable position he'd ended up in.

"We'll need to hand-rear him if he makes it through the night," he said. "Or try reintroducing them in the morning. See if it was just a temporary thing."

He spoke with a lot of authority. Loki didn't know anything about sheep. Maybe that was a possibility. Maybe he was just trying to be optimistic.

Something had disturbed Loki though. He hadn't thought of it in years, in so long, why was it so quick to spring to mind now?

Thor looked at him with some concern, reaching out, stroking his cheek.

"You OK?"

"Yes," Loki said a hair too fast. "Yeah, just it's a bit of a shock. I'm still not used to animals."

A soft smile, a hand squeeze. But Loki felt exposed suddenly. Horribly exposed. A distant issue from his psst coming back into his present. He felt like it was tattooed on him suddenly.

But there was no way that Thor could possibly know about it. There wasn't. He might be many things, but psychic was not one of them. He couldn't know something he'd never been told.

Loki stared at the lamb, its little body shaking with ragged breaths.

"I might go and... er... Something."

Thor looked at him, lost and confused. Baffled.

Loki knew he ought to say something comforting, but nothing sprang to mind. He just grabbed his cleaning things and headed for the front room away from little lost lambs and talk of nature.

Away from unexpected, unwelcome reminders that he wasn't quite as untroubled as he liked to pretend.


	28. Revelation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You brought this on yourselves, you know. "What happened to Loki?" you said. So then something had to happen.
> 
> Giving the people what they want, etc.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Thor asked softly into the dark of their room. "You didn't seem quite like yourself at dinner."

A strange dinner. Volstagg had managed to more or less cook around Val and the lamb. She seemed to be planning to stay in front of the stove all night, the cushions from one of the sofas having been dragged through as a makeshift bed.

"I'm fine. Just... I talked to Hilde the other day. About why she decided to come here."

The mattress dipped as Thor sat down beside him, taking off his shirt to switch into pyjamas.

"Did she tell you?"

"Yes. It's awful."

Thor hummed an agreement.

"The lamb threw you today though. And that's not to do with Hilde or what happened to her. It's something else."

This was ridiculous. Loki found himself almost wiping his eyes, little prickles in them. He was over this. He'd got over it long ago.

"Why did you ask me to live here?" he asked. "Why me?"

Thor seemed surprised by the question, pausing for a while.

"Well... We're in a relationship and you were down on your luck. I don't think I'd be a good partner if I didn't help you."

"It's not because you... wanted to save me or anything?"

"From what?"

It was so stupid to even be thinking about this! Thor didn't know. He couldn't know. He was just a guy, he wasn't some magical being who knew everyone's deep, dark secret.

"Most of the people who live here seem like you've saved them from something. Hilde. Val. Sif and Heimdall. Maybe Hogun, though I'm less sure about him. The only one who doesn't seem like he's been through stuff is Fandral, and even then I'm not sure."

"He's... complicated. But you sound like you think there's something I should want to save you from and I don't know what that would be. I love you. That's why I want to be with you, not for any other reason. But if there's something you want to tell me about..."

Did he?

It was difficult to even think about it really.

"The lamb..." he sighed. "It made me think about... the past."

A comforting arm around his waist, a kiss to the curve of his shoulder.

"You don't have to tell me," Thor murmured.

"You told me your big secret. It seems fair. And besides, mine isn't... It's not really about me, it's about something else."

And he accused Thor of talking in riddles...

A deep sigh. Just get it out. Just tell the truth. How hard could it be?

"I don't get on well with my parents. Never have. Even when I was a kid, there was some... distance."

Thor's thumb was very comforting, rubbing gently against his ribs.

"They were always sending me away to stay with my grandparents. And they loved me. Always thrilled to see me. Did a lot more parenting of me than Mum and Dad did. But it was only years later that I found out why my mother in particular was always a little cold."

He hadn't ever told anyone this before.

"It wasn't her fault," he said softly. "It wasn't anyone's fault. I was planned meticulously, down to the very due date. They'd been married three years, together for eight, and they wanted a child at just the right time, while my grandparents were fit enough to look after me a lot of the time. But... something went wrong."

He thought of Val in the kitchen. _It happens sometimes. It's nature._

"Years later, I'd know what it was. Postpartum psychosis. It happens more often than you'd think. There's better awareness now. My mother had... delusions. She thought that I wasn't her baby. That her baby had died and I was an impostor. She didn't really sleep. Barely ate. And everyone else thought it was normal at first, just a bit of baby blues. She wasn't telling anyone what she believed because she thought they were all in on some conspiracy. It was only when my grandma showed up unannounced one day that they found out."

It wasn't her fault. It wasn't anyone's fault, it just happened sometimes...

"She'd left me in my crib all morning. Hadn't fed me or changed me or anything. It was like she could convince herself that I wasn't there if she just closed the door. And that's when my grandma knew something was seriously wrong."

It wasn't like he could remember it happening. He learned about it later. Much later.

"She had to go to hospital for a while. A mental health hospital. And she recovered with help, but she was never really the same ever again. Too much guilt, too much anxiety. She couldn't believe that it had happened to her or all people. We never really bonded properly. And my dad... He kind of blamed me for how she changed. Like I'd stolen his wife away. It wasn't the healthiest of households. And now I haven't spoken to either them really in nearly ten years."

Thor squeezed his hip lightly.

"Seeing the lamb brought it back, huh?" he said. "Because its mother left it."

"Yeah. And... And I was thinking about everyone's problems and how you seem to have a knack for spotting people who need... I don't know. Something. Got wondering if there was something about me that you saw somehow."

Thor genuinely seemed to think about it.

"You need love," he said. "You need someone to love and care for you. A lot of people want that or need it. But that's... That's not why I like you. You're intelligent and challenging, sharp. Bordering on prickly maybe. But I trust you too."

Huh. Part of Loki wanted to ask why, but he was scared Thor wouldn't be able to come up with an answer. He was an instinctive man. And Loki knew that he would not be satisfied with any answer given anyway.

Instead, he rolled onto his side, cuddling in to warmth and bulk. Alive. Comforting. Human.

And for some reason, a man who thought he was worth loving. Worth trusting. Nothing more to it than unfailing belief.

Maybe his childhood had affected him more than he'd previously thought. Not fully convinced that anyone truly cared about him. Probably sabotaged a lot of potential relationships without even realising it.

He tried his best to sleep and not worry about Val's charge downstairs.


	29. Trial Part I

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Answers, anyone?

_"Remanded in custody." He'd heard it on the news hundreds of times but never really considered what it meant. No bail. Probably if Fandral had form for absconding before a trial, they were all considered a potential risk._

_At least they brought him clean clothes to wear, even if it was just t-shirts and jogging bottoms. They'd do. And he got his own back, freshly laundered, for going to court. He'd have preferred a suit, but there was no one to fetch one for him._

_He'd met his solicitor. State defence. Her name was Yvette. Didn't hear that name around much anymore, though she could only have been in her early forties._

_"Why are there photographers?" he asked, the flash of cameras irritating him through the little window of the transport van._

_"There's a degree of press interest in the case. Some of them are portraying you as a cult. Others as a criminal gang on the run. And, of course, a lot of you are young and attractive. It sells a lot of papers."_

_That made sense, he supposed._

_They were mainly being tried individually, it seemed, their evidence being used against Thor. Loki was just glad he wouldn't have to see the others, hopefully. He wasn't sure he could bear the looks of betrayal he'd get._

_He wasn't ready. All he knew was that he had to be truthful and that he had to get Thor convicted._

_He definitely wasn't ready to see Thor again. Couldn't be helped though._

_The walk to the courtroom along a sickly yellow corridor seemed almost endless, Yvette's heels clacking on the polished wood floor. Loki felt sick. What would they ask him? What would he have to admit to? That he was so lonely and hopeless and such a failure that he'd ended up in an almost off-grid commune with a bunch of hippies and nearly criminals and a man certain of the end of the world? It was pathetic._

_He was speaking before his brain even caught up. He stated his name for the record. He swore to tell the truth._

_The eyes on him felt almost palpable. He didn't want to look. Didn't want to see any faces out there. He tried to keep his field of vision only a few feet in front of his nose._

_The man addressing him seemed to be Thor's defence. He seemed a little tired. Maybe Thor wasn't giving him what he wanted. Or he knew this was a lost cause perhaps._

_"Mr Laufeyson, can you please identify the man in the dock?"_

_Oh, no... So soon?_

_Oh, he was going to throw up..._

_He had to look. Had to accept Thor's anger and distress, the outrage at what he'd done. Destroyed their lives. Destroyed Asgard._

_But there was none. Thor looked at him, his hair tied back in a neat tail, his hands resting calmly on the wood in front of him._

_And he smiled. Like he was glad to see him._

_Loki took a deep, shuddering breath._

_"He's Thor. Thor Odinson."_

_"And what is your relationship to the accused?"_

_"We're... We're partners."_

_"Lovers, you mean?"_

_Loki winced. He hated that word, even if it was true._

_"Yes," he admitted._

_"How long had your relationship been established?"_

_"Nearly two years. More or less. Or at least that's how long we've known each other. Just about. I only moved in about a year ago. I think."_

_He could hear the typing of the stenographer, the shuffling of feet. He wasn't being convincing with that answer but, well, time hadn't seemed so precise recently. Days all bled together. He couldn't work out how long it had really been._

_And it felt like it had been forever somehow, his old life in the cash room and renting flats like just a strange dream._

_"And you lived with him on the estate called Asgard along with Volstagg and Hilde..."_

_"Yes. We all lived together. I'm sure everyone is sick of hearing all the names."_

_Maybe it was a mistake to be so snippy. What could he say? He was nervous._

_"Mr Laufeyson, you are the one who called the police. The whistle-blower, as it were. Would you say that you were in love with Mr Odinson?"_

_That hadn't been the question he expected from that lead in. Maybe they were trying to unnerve him again._

_"Yes. Though I don't see how that's relevant."_

_"And would you say that you are still in love with him?"_

_Loki glanced unwillingly to Thor. His peaceful expression. Just calm acceptance of what he'd done. No recrimination._

_"Yes," he said, an unexpected tightness in his throat._

_"So what caused this change of heart? What made you decide to betray the man you love? Did you have a fight? A disagreement?"_

_"No, but..."_

_"Mr Laufeyson, when you called the police, you made very serious accusations of child abuse, allegations you now say are false. Why did you do that?"_

_"To make the police come as soon as possible because..."_

_"So time was of the essence?"_

_"Yes, because..."_

_"You wanted to prevent something. A crime perhaps?"_

_"No, not exactly, but..."_

_"You lied. You said a crime was being committed when that was not so. The fact that other offences have been brought to light as a result is entirely a coincidence. I'm sure we would all like to know why exactly you did this."_

_There was a pause. Loki could feel that he was angry, growing angrier by the second, and anger could mean mistakes. He had to walk a tightrope here._

_"Well, Mr Laufeyson?"_

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise I was actually going to be allowed to finish a sentence."_

_There was a distinct sound of tittering. People trying their best not to laugh too loudly._

_Loki sighed heavily._

_"I called the police as a last resort. Thor needs help and I knew he wouldn't accept it willingly. I'm sorry that I disrupted everyone else's peaceful lives, but I had to and I'm sure they will forgive me in time. I had a good reason."_

_"What reason was that?"_

_Just keep breathing and get it out._

_"Do you know about Ragnarok?"_

_A sigh. "My client has explained it to me at length, yes."_

_Hmm. Sounded like Thor._

_"He... I think that sometimes he believes he is Thor. The god Thor. That it's his destiny to be there when the world ends. But everyone knows what happens to Thor when that happens. He fights the snake, takes nine steps and falls. Falls dead."_

_His chest heaved as he thought about how close things had got._

_"I needed Thor taken into custody to protect him because he was going to kill himself. He thought it was his destiny or his punishment or something. And when I found out, I knew I had to act fast. I had to save him."_

_Thor evidently hadn't told them that. They were shaken, just a little. This was not part of the script. Loki ploughed on._

_"He needs help. He's needed it for a very long time, since a traumatic experience when he was sixteen, but he's been helping everyone around him instead. Please... help him. The court can send people to anger management classes; surely you can send him to a psychiatrist or something."_

_"You had your lover arrested... so he'd get counselling?"_

_Loki shrugged helplessly. When you put it like that..._

_"It seemed like a good idea at the time."_


	30. Ominous

The lamb lived thanks to Val's diligent care. They built a sort of pen for it outside the back door out of bits of old fences. Little Hilde named him Fluff.

By the time he was big enough to go and join the other sheep - having been castrated since they couldn't risk him inbreeding with any of his sisters and wasn't that a harrowing morning - the weather had improved enough to paint the dairy.

Loki was not sure about the whitewash. It seemed very thin, but Thor insisted it would dry whiter than it looked.

And, of course, no rollers or synthetic paintbrushes for them. They had their old friend sphagnum moss as sort of sponges. Not the neatest of jobs, but it certainly made a difference.

After the chalky water had run down his arm one too many times, Loki followed Thor's lead and stripped to the waist. It was a little too chilly for that really, but that just meant being more energetic to stay warm.

Being a more outdoorsy type, Thor had somehow managed to maintain the faintest hint of a tan. It made the white smudges stand out on his skin, like he was covered in icing sugar.

No amount of reminding himself how gross it would be was helping with the urge to lick it off him...

The sunlight was making a strong effort once they moved outside to use up the remains on the facade of the building. Strong enough that when Thor suggested rinsing off in the river, Loki found himself agreeing.

He regretted it almost immediately. The water was freezing. Probably snowmelt. And being naked outdoors was not something he was used to.

He gasped as the water reached his armpits, his nipples stiffening up in protest, other even more sensitive parts of his anatomy almost trying to escape.

Thor on the other hand... He looked like a merman or something, rising out of the water. Happy to be out in nature as always.

He waded closer, his hands seeming so warm when he laid them on Loki's waist, pulling him close, aligning their bodies and resting their foreheads together.

"Remember this," he said softly. "This moment."

Standing naked and free in a river with his boyfriend? Well... It certainly was an unusual experience.

"I will."

"Promise me."

Loki's eyes had fallen shut and he daren't open them.

"What?" he asked.

"Promise to remember this."

"OK. I promise."

It seemed such a strange request. So earnest.

"You're freaking me out a little bit," he said.

Thor chuckled, the vibrations traveling through his skin.

"It's just... this seems perfect, you know? You and me, together. I want this to be how you remember me."

A faint chill went down Loki's spine, one he suspected had nothing to do with the water.

"Remember you? What are you talking about?"

"Just... You know. Years from now. Remember when we were young."

Hmm...

Perhaps sensing his misgivings, Thor captured his lips, kissing him hard.

This was the kind of thing he'd dreamt about as a teenager. Skinny dipping and kissing beautiful men. Typical that he wasn't able to properly enjoy it.

He'd been noticing it more and more, Thor talking about the future but with a faint hint that he wasn't going to be there. Maybe he was imagining it, but... Well...

He forced a break to their kissing, mumbling about being cold and heading for the bank.

"You're still going to be with me after Ragnarok, right?" he asked. "You're not planning on running out on me when... When it goes."

Despite it all, he couldn't imagine being without Thor now. Was that love? Maybe it was. And when had that snuck up on him?

"I'll always be with you," Thor said after a little pause.

That wasn't good enough. He didn't trust it. He needed something more concrete.

"Promise me," he said. "You're always making me promise things. Your turn."

The silence hurt. How dare he? Why did he always know best? Why did he get to do all the asking and none of the vowing?

"I can't do that," he said.

Loki put his hands on his hips, trying not to shiver in the cool breeze.

"Why not?" he demanded.

"Because I don't know what the future might hold. I can't make a promise I might not be able to keep."

So fucking reasonable all the time...

"Promise me that to the best of your abilities, excluding accidents, that you will be with me."

"What if you want to leave?" Thor asked. "I can't ask you to promise to stay with me. I'd ask you to extend the same..."

Loki groaned, cutting him off and heading back towards the dairy and his shirt and coat. He heard Thor sigh and then the hurried footsteps giving chase, a hand on his shoulder to spin him round.

"I won't lie to you. I can't make that promise."

"I just... I want..."

"Commitment?"

Loki opened his mouth angrily and then closed it again.

"I wasn't going to put it quite like that, but yes, I suppose so."

That was quite painful to admit. Loki had always been the commitment-phobe, the one who kept things casual. He wasn't meant to be needy like this.

Thor sighed, pressing his lips together.

"Loki... I think we're fated to be together at the moment. Maybe fate will have different paths for us in the future. But now, there is no one I'd rather be sharing my life with. There couldn't be."

Well... That was nice, but...

"Then you have to stop scaring me. You keep sounding so... ominous. Can you at least promise that?"

Thor smiled, seizing his hands and kissing his kunckles.

"I can promise to try?"

Oh, he looked so earnest...

"I suppose so," Loki mumbled. "But you'll have to try very hard."

Thor smiled, pulling him close.

"I promise," he said. "Now... Let's get you inside and warmed up."


	31. Progress

Thor did try as spring turned to summer. Not that he was good at hiding the effort. Sometimes Loki would be in the mood to needle him and would deliberately talk about the future, force him to mumble his agreements about five years' time, ten even.

"Johan's getting so big," Loki said. "He's thinking about walking. Pulling himself upright, little steps."

"Oh, I know. We'll need to keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn't escape. Hilde and Erik were just the same. Adventurous. Early walkers too, both around their first birthdays."

"It's amazing to think Erik's going to preschool soon. Time flies, huh?"

"Mm."

"It's been over a year since we met. Did we ever pick an anniversary?"

They hadn't. As he well knew.

"Solstice?"

"I'm not sharing my anniversary with the whole world, Thor. No, it should be when I moved in. You already considered me your boyfriend then."

"You didn't."

"But I think I was, to all intents and purposes. You know me, I don't like tying things down."

It was light outside, the cockerel loudly announcing the dawn. Nature's alarm clock. All the same, he couldn't really see Thor's face in the shadows.

"Sometimes I wonder if I do know you."

Loki moved back, a little confused.

"What?"

"I just wonder what's going on in that head of yours."

This felt like it had the potential to be a fight. Loki had just been teasing. He wasn't in the mood for an argument.

"Oh, I'm just surprised. I've never lasted this long in a relationship before."

"I didn't think you were one for anniversaries, that's all."

"Well... I'm worried about the future. Ragnarok and all that. It's nice to have good milestones I think."

"If you want one, we can have one."

That wasn't really what Loki was angling for, but he'd take it.

What he really wanted was for Thor to talk about the future without being all doom and gloom about it. Waiting for the end times was all very well, but you had to do things in the meantime.

"End of the month then?"

"Sounds good. And... since you clearly want something more from me, how about we start being more like partners in the running of the household? We could... make decisions together."

Intriguing...

"So... How do you mean?"

"Well, I know I'm a bit of a dictator a lot of the time."

He sounded almost embarrassed about it. Loki felt a little pang of regret at having made him feel bad. A tiny one.

"No, dictators only look after themselves. You look after all of us. You're more like... I don't know. A shepherd."

What a cliché. God, he really hadn't written anything in far too long if he was genuinely coming out with zingers like that.

"Would you like to be my assistant shepherd?"

Loki frowned at the ceiling, pursing his lips.

"Are you calling me a sheepdog?"

That made Thor laugh at last, hopefully getting rid of any residual tension in the air.

Still, if he wanted help... And knowing Thor there would probably be at least a few improvements that could be made...

"I'd love to help," he said. "And no time like the present, huh?"

After breakfast, Thor took him to a part of the house he'd never been to. One of the sections he'd claimed was unsafe.

"Parts of this area are a bit dodgy structurally, but the office is fine," Thor said, leading the way to a room at the end of the corridor.

It didn't feel fine. There was a lot more creaking for one thing. A lot of give in these floors, almost worryingly so.

"I didn't know you had an office," Loki said. "You don't seem the type."

"Oh, it's just a room to keep the calendar in."

But what a calendar...

The four walls were each dedicated to a season, winter interrupted by the door. There were notes pinned up everywhere, pages torn from books with notes on planting and harvest, animals, recipes for jam and chutney and wine.

"Wow," Loki said, unsure of what else to say.

On closer inspection, there were other notes as well. Ideas and questions. Potential new crops. The possibility of rabbits. And there were quite a few other bits and pieces. Norse stuff. Drawings and carefully copied quotations.

"This is my blueprint for the year," Thor said. "Formed by trial and error and reading old almanacs and stuff. My uncle had a lot of them around from generations back."

There was even a desk with a framed photo on it.

A photo of a young boy. Balder?

He didn't look exactly as Loki had imagined. He'd imagined a smaller, young Thor. In reality, he had mousey-brown hair, a more oval face. Freckles. Teeth that were still slightly too big for his head but that he'd probably grow into, given time.

If he'd been given time...

Loki pretended he hadn't noticed it.

"This is the nerve centre, then," he said instead. "All the instructions."

"Yeah. And the money is up here too, from the farmers markets. I try to keep it vaguely organised."

A locked tin. Key under an old plant pot on the windowsill.

Loki just managed to hold back the gasp that threatened to escape. There were clearly hundreds of pounds there.

"We didn't make that much over Christmas," he said. "No way."

"It's from all of last year. I really need to go and cash it in one of these days, but we've been so busy. It's for the things we have to buy, like internet and Hilde's school uniform. And the debit cards are underneath if you need them."

That was... everyone's debit cards. Except his. His was still in his wallet, which was in a drawer in their bedroom.

"I thought there'd be a group account."

"I suppose mine is, technically. But there didn't seem much point in shutting them. Things change. People might leave in the future and it's not like we have any bills coming in for proof of identity. They might need these. I just look after them."

Such trust! Such responsibility.

"It won't take long for you to learn the ropes," Thor said. "I'm sure if I can do it, anyone can. And hopefully that will make you feel a little more appreciated?"

"I feel like you have faith in me at least. But what about the others? Why keep this hidden from them?"

"Oh, you know. Got to maintain the illusion that I know what I'm doing."

He smiled, but the mirth didn't quite meet his eyes.

Maybe this was what he needed, more than redemption, more than saving others. Support. Someone to share his burdens.

It wasn't a role Loki would have picked out for himself a year ago. Then again, a lot had changed.


	32. A Discovery

By the time their so-called anniversary rolled around, Loki thought he was getting to grips with things.

It was like spinning a lot of plates. The sheep and goats had to eat the grass, but some needed to be harvested and dried for winter feeding and so you had to try to guess how much you might need in advance. Bet against winter.

Seeds were much easier. Thor had ratios for how much weight of crop would cover what area of field, what rotations were necessary to keep the soil healthy.

Summer was mainly about irrigation depending on the weather. Loki wouldn't have expected to have to do much, given the typical English summer, but there were more variables than he expected. Pests, for example. No pesticide allowed, of course. No, not even stuff they could make themselves.

"If you're hurting small bugs, you're hurting pollinators too. The bees, Loki. Always be thinking about bees."

"We should make one of those bee hotel things out of scrap wood. The kids would love it."

That suggestion was good enough that Thor chalked it on the wall as an idea for a summer holiday activity.

It was funny almost. Loki thought of Volstagg and Hilde as the house mum and dad almost, but here Thor was, secretly keeping track of everything.

And that made Loki curious about what else might be hiding away in the areas of the house he never went.

He ought to have thought about those sayings about curiosity and cats really.

The house creaked and was full of hazards. That much was true. Damp corners, wires, half-blocked chimneys. Loki tread carefully, only going to places where the dust had clearly been disturbed. Only where someone else had gone.

There was one path in particular. Somewhere that was clearly trod fairly often. Cleaner than what was around it. Like loose trousers had come through, stirring things up.

He followed it to the far end of the house, confused as to why anyone would come this way before he spotted the hook leaning against the wall and looked upwards, finding a trap door in the ceiling.

A loft? An attic space?

It took him no time at all to pull open and drag down the ladder built into it. There was surprisingly little noise, but he paused all the same, tense for reasons he couldn't quite define. It was probably just Thor's uncle's loft. It would maybe have some old furniture in it, nothing more than...

That...

Well...

He hauled himself up to find a secret sort of... shrine? Altar? A low table complete with candles.

But that wasn't what worried him. That would just be a private place for contemplation, nothing to be concerned about.

No, it was what was behind it that was scaring him.

There were pin boards. And notes. Lots of them.

If there'd been a map with lots of connected threads, he'd have really been scared, but it was bad enough as it was.

There were lists. Things that said Ragnarok was coming. Things that said it wasn't coming. Verses from the Edda with notes attached.

And the parts that featured him...

_Loki on the ship of dead nails. Buses don't count._

_Loki's children? Metaphors._

_Bindings and fetters, venom?_

There was stuff about Sif too, and Heimdall. All the Norse names. But none of it was adding up. They weren't the gods. They were just people.

Sometimes the writing got a little heavy. Frenzied almost. And all about Ragnarok, seeming increasingly frustrated that nothing was falling into place.

He was drawing links between disparate events, wars and disasters and accidents and tragedies. Looking for signs.

Looking for them quite impatiently by the looks of things.

And for the first time, Loki began to wonder if Thor didn't want to prevent Ragnarok or outlast it.

Maybe he wanted to... cause it.

And that made the only circled notes very worrying. There were only two of them.

One of them was _Death of Balder._

The other was _Death of Thor._

Hurrying back down the ladder and trying to cover his tracks, Loki tried to tell himself that he was jumping to conclusions. Thor was not suicidal. He wasn't.

But then again, that would explain why he never talked about the future. He didn't expect to be there for it.

Don't react too quickly, he told himself. Don't rush to publish before you have all the facts.

More evidence was needed.


	33. Pretending

He needed to tread carefully. He couldn't let Thor know what he'd found. Everything had to be normal. For now.

But things were suddenly falling into place. Thor was trying to set him up to take over running the whole place. To fill in for him, to look after the farm and the estate and everything. He was practically being groomed for the role.

Because Thor was going to...

He almost had a visceral reaction just thinking about it. What could be going through his mind that he thought this was the right thing to do? Couldn't he see that he was needed here? Where would they be without him?

Was it because of Balder that he was thinking about it? Punishing himself, feeling guilty? As if it would help somehow.

And, of course, there was a selfish want in Loki's mind too. Wasn't Thor thinking of him? How devastated he'd be? You couldn't let someone fall in love with you, make them feel wanted and trusted and understood and then do this to them. It wasn't fair.

He would stop this. He'd do whatever was necessary.

He'd stop Ragnarok if that's what it took.

Protectiveness didn't feel like a natural emotion to him somehow. He'd always looked after himself and trusted others to watch over their own interests. But this... This couldn't be risked. This required delicacy.

He pondered telling the others. Not all of them of course, but maybe Volstagg. Or Fandral. Maybe they could help. Form an intervention or something.

But Thor was in charge. They listened to him and only to him. He'd convince them that it was just a mistake, a misunderstanding and then he'd...

Deep breaths. Nice and calm.

He took the laundry down to the river, the cold helping to sharpen his mind, the gentle sound of running water giving some respite from rushing thoughts.

Thor wanted him to take over. So he'd have to be deliberately inept. Pretend not to be ready. That would buy him some time. Thor wouldn't leave them unless he was sure they'd be looked after. Sow some doubt. Make him unsure.

Try to convince him away from this path, but subtly. How difficult could it really be to make him love life, to make him want to stay? Thor was already so taken simple pleasures. It ought to be easy.

He hung the clothes up to dry, knowing he needed to get upstairs and read the pertinent part of the Edda again. It might provide clues.

Thor fought the great serpent Jormungandr, the world snake, walked nine steps and died. Of his wounds?

No, no. Of poison. Of course.

And they lived on a farm. There was poison everywhere. The home-made detergent, high-concentration alcohol, even plants... There might be no pesticudes, but there was plenty that could kill if you took enough of it.

Volstagg handled all the food. Thor wouldn't risk anyone else by trying to pass it off as food poisoning, surely.

Which meant he'd try to sneak off and be secretive about it...

Shit, where was he now? Right now?

Even trying to calm himself, to convince himself that it wouldn't be today, it wouldn't, Loki had an unbearable urge to find Thor immediately, to prove to himself that all was well.

He found him in the pickling shed, Hogun there with him, and Loki found himself sighing in relief. Someone trustworthy by his side. That would keep him safe.

"You OK?"

"Yeah," Loki said, slightly out of breath from rushing around looking for him. "Just... doing the laundry. You don't have anything else needing washed?"

"Don't think so."

Two thumbs up. So natural! No suspicion here!

"Great."

He checked round everyone else's laundry too, just in case. Covering his tracks.

And then he practised keeping his face carefully neutral.

Shouldn't have bothered. Thor could see through him like no one else.

"Are you feeling alright?" he asked once they were alone after dinner, hanging out with wine and candlelight like the old days.

"Of course," Loki said, aiming for smooth.

"You just seem a bit... strange."

Shaking his head, topping up their glasses.

The little frown told him he wasn't being terribly convincing. Right, distract, distract...

He took a large gulp, enjoying the sweetness of last year's raspberries, and swung himself into Thor's lap, pouting down at him.

"Oh," Thor said.

This was probably a bad idea. He couldn't just have sex with Thor every time he got close to Loki's state of mind. It wouldn't always be convenient, for one thing.

Then again, they seemed physically compatible. That would surely be a big tick in favour of staying alive.

Thor arched up to him, free hand cupping his face to angle him into a kiss.

"Don't think you can distract me that easily," he murmured.

"Hmm... I'll just have to try harder then."


	34. Distraction

A little kissing and groping later, glasses of wine somehow finished somewhere along the way, Thor suggested going upstairs to privacy.

Well... He growled something about bed into Loki's ear anyway, but that was what he meant. This was a shared space after all. They shouldn't be doing... this out here.

A pleasant degree of want was pulsing through Loki's body, just about distracting him from his worries. Just about, but not quite.

"What do you want?" Thor asked as usual.

He always asked...

"What do _you_ want?"

"You. And for you to be happy."

What had previously been a charming deference to his wishes was suddenly a clear sign of the fact Thor didn't care for himself like he cared for other people.

It was like he thought he didn't deserve it.

What was Thor's favourite way? He ought to know. Though, to be fair, every way seemed like Thor's favourite way...

Maybe he could use that to his advantage.

He laid Thor on his back and set about removing their clothes, playing at pinning him down before beginning a long, slow meander down his body.

Starting at the neck, the sensitive skin beneath his ear and at the junction of his shoulder, he laid down little nibbling kisses before moving down to the valley of his chest.

Thor hummed happily, his sternum vibrating beneath Loki's lips, a hand running down over his shoulder and ribs and then tangling in his hair as Loki moved even lower, to his stomach and legs.

Being very gentle with his thickening cock, of course...

"Pass me the oil?"

They'd had to replenish their supply a couple of times over the past few months. Thor in particular liked being generous with it and Loki was only too happy to follow his lead.

He used his own body heat to warm the jar a little, planting the smallest of kisses across the ridge of Thor's hips, glancing up occasionally to find his head resting back, eyes closed, a soft smile playing about his lips.

Which changed when Loki started playing a little more attention to more sensitive flesh, of course.

Thor's legs moved almost unconsciously, thighs bracketing Loki's head, enclosing him. And there were definitely worse prisons out there, he figured, as he finally took the lid off the jar and liberally coated his fingers in the contents.

Thor moaned at his first touch, reaching down again, stroking his hair. Loki turned his head briefly to the side, kissing his palm.

"Love you," he murmured.

"You too."

Yeah, Thor, just keep that in mind before making any big decisions, OK?

Loki took his time. Slow and gentle, waiting until there was almost no resistance to a finger at all before introducing a second one.

And Thor didn't question him. There was immense trust here. An understanding between them. A kind of almost meditative calm.

Or a worrying passivity. Which wouldn't have worried him even a day ago.

Rising up Thor's body felt like coming up for air after a deep dive, rushing forward to be welcomed by open arms and eager lips which eased his fears, heavy breathing and a quiet sigh as Loki reached down to angle himself inside.

This was what he wanted. Face to face and passionate, leaving the rest of the world behind, watching Thor's expression as he began to move with long, deep thrusts.

The open mouth, soft sighs, something like a frown around his brows. None of that; kiss it away. Why was he frowning?

"You look so intense," Thor whispered, almost like he was afraid to speak.

Maybe he was a little.

"You make me feel intensely."

"Intensely exasperated."

Ha...

"Yeah, sometimes."

He tried speeding up a little, breathing hard, arms straining slightly from holding himself up. But Thor was right there with him, rolling his hips upwards, reaching down between their bodies to stroke his cock as best he could.

As much as it pained him, Loki pushed himself upright after a final kiss to make it easier on him, getting a firmer grip and watching as Thor tensed and gasped and then relaxed utterly, all tension leaving him. Beautiful. Needed.

He flopped forward as soon as he finished, desperate to be close again.

"You OK?" Thor asked.

No...

"Of course," Loki lied.

He hoped Thor believed him.


	35. Confrontation

He couldn't follow Thor around every hour of every day. It wasn't sustainable. Nor was it even remotely subtle.

But to be fair, there weren't many moments when Thor was alone. He was sociable by nature, always preferring to work with others rather than by himself. Times of risk were relatively infrequent.

Maybe Thor wasn't planning anything imminently. Or at all. Maybe it had been an old idea from the depths of his grief.

Loki really wished he could convince himself more strongly of that.

He was gripped with fear a lot of the time, constantly worrying in the back of his mind.

It was exhausting. And Thor knew something had changed, and that slightly hurt expression he got sometimes made Loki's heart ache, the questioning eyes, clearly wondering what it could be.

But he couldn't possibly think their relationship was drifting. Not with Loki being as needy as he was, keeping an eye on him, trying to make Thor feel appreciated and loved. Wanted. Vital.

It was easy in summer and even as autumn began to grow closer. Harvest was very involved, all hands needed. Even Little Hilde got to join in, gleaning her way up and down the fields for missed ears, sometimes helping Johan toddle around.

Hard, tiring work. Exhausting. And everything had to be noted down, accounted for. How much they'd grown, how much was going for what purpose - animal feed, flour, beer...

Was Thor including himself in the calculations? It was difficult to tell. He didn't break it down far enough to spell out individual allocations.

Tiredness made Loki vulnerable. He clung to Thor in the night, trying to keep him safe. Even in the heat of July and August, he braved overheating to lounge around practically on top of Thor's body.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong," Thor said sleepily one morning. "Right?"

"Would you?"

A pause and Loki regretted saying anything at all.

"Loki, I... I feel like something has changed. Like you don't trust me anymore. And I don't know what I've done."

This was the best chance to get it out. Maybe if they just talked...

"I went into the attic," he said softly.

Thor sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"It's not safe over in that part of the house."

"I know, but I got curious. And I found the... The Ragnarok room."

He waited for Thor to react. To say something.

"It scared me," he said. "The things you've written up there... About the future."

"Ragnarok is an inevitability. It will happen, once the criteria are met."

"But we're not... We're not them. We're not the legends. You're not married to Sif. I don't have any kids, let alone monsters. We're not... You can't believe that we are. It's just names. They don't mean anything. You know that, right?"

"Loki..."

"Tell me that you know it."

"Of course I know we're not Norse gods. Not literally. But none of it is literal. But metaphorically..."

"It says you're going to kill yourself," Loki said, his voice cracking slightly. "You're planning to 'metaphorically' die? Talk me through that one, Thor. Explain it to me."

A furious silence, clenched jaw. Loki was angry too. How could Thor even consider this? Wasn't he thinking about any of them?

"Balder didn't die metaphorically," Thor said quietly.

Loki felt something within him break, tears in his eyes.

"It won't bring him back," he said. "You need... You need help. You need a doctor or a psychiatrist..."

"You sound like my mother," Thor said getting up, stomping to the window. "But you don't understand. It's not like I'm looking forward to it. I don't want to do it at all..."

"Then don't."

"I have to."

No, he didn't. Why couldn't he see that?

For the first time in a while, Loki began to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with his boyfriend. Something he really needed help with. But how did you even get that kind of help? Waiting lists for therapy were long, he knew that. Was Thor even registered with a general doctor who could refer him?

And even if he was, he wouldn't go through with it willingly...

"I never expected this," Thor said quietly. "I didn't expect to fall in love this strongly. It's making things... more difficult than I expected."

Loki went to him, holding him.

"If you love me, you won't do this."

Manipulative? Maybe. But necessary.

"If you love me," Thor said. "You'll bury me under the oak tree. And you'll look after the others. It won't be today or even tomorrow. It probably won't be for years."

Probably...

It won't be ever, Loki thought to himself. Even if he had to follow Thor around every hour of every day.

"I won't ever be prepared, if that's what you're waiting for," he said. "You are needed here. You do good here."

Thor turned in his embrace, smiling so sadly.

"Trickster," he said fondly. "Tempter."

"You know I'm right."

"I wish I did."

Clearly he'd just have to be more convincing. But at least he knew he was right to be suspicious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny how the male form of temptress looks so weird.


	36. Trial Part II

_They played the recording of his call to the emergency services. There didn't seem much of a point, other than to prove that he was a known liar. Still, he stood by what he'd done._

_"Hello, police."_

_"Uh..." and of course he sounded shaken. "I need police right now."_

_"And the nature of the emergency, sir?"_

_"There's... There's a young girl screaming. I think she's being hurt."_

_"The address, please?"_

_It had been the middle of the night. He woke alone after months of monitoring Thor's every move and he'd just... panicked._

_All the same, he wasn't here to be tried for lying. He was being tried for assisting offenders and taking the donation money._

_"Mr Laufeyson, you claim you didn't know crimes had been committed by your fellow inhabitants?"_

_"I knew they had pasts they preferred not to talk about, but I assumed they were simply personal problems. The police never came looking. We lived in a way that happened to be rather clandestine. I didn't realise anyone was actively hiding."_

_"Would you have reported them if you had known?"_

_Loki genuinely thought about it._

_"Probably not. And if that means I assisted them, then I should probably change my plea to guilty."_

_He was just a distraction. A footnote they had to get through to get to Thor._

_They convicted him, but only for fines. He had to repay the money that had been donated - £635.50, much more than he'd expected - and pay his legal fees. It would probably wipe out a hefty chunk of his savings, but not completely decimate them. It could have been a lot worse._

_Yvette took him back behind the scenes, as it were._

_"What happens now?"_

_"Pay your fines by the date specified. Otherwise, you're free to go."_

_"What about Thor?"_

_"His trial continues, as they say."_

_Was that it? Was there nothing more he could do? Back to normal life, to looking for a job and a flat?_

_Waiting for news?_

_"Can I borrow the bus fare? I don't have change on me."_

_She sighed and gave it to him. Too busy to care about him now. On to her next case._

_Loki went back to the farm. All his stuff was there, after al. He'd need to at least pick up his bank stuff and clothes. And it was no longer a crime scene, hopefully._

_It wasn't part of the plan to find other people there._

_Hilde looked up in surprise when he opened the door, before sighing and turning away._

_He looked at her back and tried to think of what to say._

_"I'm sorry."_

_"You did what you had to do. Volstagg's been going to court every day. He told me your reasons. But that doesn't mean I'm not angry."_

_She made him a nettle tea all the same._

_"You don't know how hard it is to be accused of the very crimes that were committed against you," she sighed. "That stung. Once I stopped being afraid that they would take my child away."_

_"I'm sorry. I needed them to take Thor. I didn't... expect to implicate everyone else. Are the others alright? Do you know?"_

_"Val's outside with Hilde and the sheep. Volstagg and I have lived here long enough that we're able to state a civil claim on the land."_

_"Squatters' rights?"_

_"They call it adverse possession, but yes. Fandral's going to prison for a while. We're not sure how long yet, but it's inevitable. Hogun's appealing against deportation, but I don't rate his chances very highly. Leniency is recommended for Heimdall, but we can only wait and see. Sif's still there as primary witness."_

_His fault. He only hoped they could all forgive him._

_"I had to. Thor's not... He's not well."_

_"I know. Well, now I know. Maybe I suspected, but I certainly didn't know the extent of it. And I hope your gamble pays off, I must say."_

_Yeah. So did he._

_"So, where are you going to go?" she asked._

_"Don't know. I didn't really think that far ahead."_

_"You should stay here. Thor would want you to."_

_Loki wasn't so sure about that. Then again, he had nowhere else to sleep. It wasn't like he could find a place just like that..._

_"I'll see what the others think first."_

_Val looked at him with suspicion and something close to disdain. Leaving a treatment centre might be unwise, but it wasn't a crime. And, besides, despite temptation, she didn't drink anymore. There was nothing keeping her from her animals._

_Still, she sat on the same side of table. Maybe she grudgingly understood his reasons. Loki thought about the friend she'd mentioned once. The one who'd died. You never knew about people's pasts, after all._

_It was much worse seeing Little Hilde. Had anyone explained the full reasons to her or had they decided she was too young yet? Either way, it seemed she wasn't talking to him._

_It was vastly more surprising when Volstagg came home in a car with strangers. A man and a woman, older._

_They looked like Thor. His parents?_

_Loki had kind of assumed they were no longer alive. There was no mistaking it, though. That was who they were._

_Thor's mother saw him and stopped in the doorway, stunned. And then she held out her arms to him, hesitating. She was happy to see him. That was quite a turn up for the books._

_"You saved him," she said, almost tearfully. "Our boy."_

_Oh. Well..._

_"I've put him in prison," Loki said. "It's more or less certain."_

_"Better in prison than dead," Thor's dad rumbled._

_They really were Odin and Frigga. The seeds of Thor's obsession had been planted early._

_Over dinner - Volstagg cooking as usual - they filled in a lot of the blanks. How they'd tried to give Thor counselling after Balder's death, how they'd tried to convince him that it was a freak accident and they didn't blame him, how he'd refused help and run away, dropped off the radar for well over a decade._

_"We thought he might be dead, but part of you never stops hoping," Frigga said. "Every sound. Every knock at the door. And then one day we heard on the news about his arrest, about how he's been trying to help people. About you."_

_It was very difficult not to blush. Loki hadn't ever met a partner's parents before, but it wasn't supposed to go like this, he didn't think._

_"Are you going to wait for him?" Val asked, the first time she'd actually addressed him all evening._

_"Of course," he said, maybe realising the truth of that for the first time consciously. "I'll visit him, if he'll let me. He just needs help. And that's hard for him to accept."_

_She nodded. She'd know the feeling._


	37. Time Passing

Another Solstice. Cold weather had well and truly blown in and with it weeks of sleetish rain. No beautiful crisp snow this year. The earth was thick and cloying, turned to sticky mud.

Loki had developed a sort of gallows humour, trying to cope. Every day, he'd ask Thor to wait at least another 24 hours. Depending on mood, he'd be met with a gentle reassurance or an encouragement not to worry or occasionally a gruff assurance that, "Of course not today. I've got too much to do."

All the same, he kept himself by Thor's side whenever he could. Everyone noticed, of course. They didn't say anything - and on the rare occasion someone wanted to talk to Thor about something in private, Loki would always leave them with him - but he was suddenly doing all the jobs he hated just to remain by Thor's side.

It became an obsession. As if something awful would happen if he left Thor alone for even a moment.

He thought about his mother, how she believed things that weren't true, how Thor did too, and wondered if it was catching somehow.

"We've made it through another year together," Thor said at dinner on Solstice night. "A year of positives, I think."

How could he even say that?

Solstice was important. Maybe that's when he planned to do it. Or the Summer Solstice. Or an Equinox. Or one of the other important calendar dates.

Maybe the same day that Balder died. Loki couldn't even say he knew exactly when that was.

They'd first slept together a year ago, he knew that. So he must have moved in... eighteen months back? A little less?

And how long had he known of Thor's plan to end his life? Six months? Surely not so long as that. Early summer at the earliest. God, that _was_ six months. A third of the time he'd lived there, worrying every single day.

He took Thor to bed, holding him close, reminding him yet again that being alive was good, that intimacy was worth living for. Not out loud, of course.

Sometimes he thought about trying to talk it through. Talk about Balder, about how he'd probably want Thor to value his life. But he wasn't a therapist and he hadn't known Balder. It felt weird to try to evoke a child he'd never met.

Thor moved above him, riding him as he had that first time a year ago, not wearing his crown though. Little Hilde had been slightly offended that Loki hadn't helped her make them this year, but he'd needed to brave the freezing outdoor temperatures to keep an eye on Thor.

It was good and satisfying, but tinged with an ache that Loki could hardly bear. It was like he was vibrating at a different frequency to the rest of the world, the universe, like he might explode at any moment.

He held Thor's face afterwards, trying to gaze into his eyes in the darkness.

"I can't handle this much longer, I don't think. I'm scared all the time. I love you, but I can't..."

Thor held him close, letting him sob just a little, letting out some of the tension that had built up in his whole being.

"Just tell me you've changed your mind," he begged. "Tell me that I'm enough for you to keep living. Tell me Ragnarok can go fuck itself, I don't know."

"Ragnarok is bigger than us," Thor said softly. "But I... I promise I won't until I think you're ready."

"Well, I'll never be ready, so there."

A little petulant, but he really meant it. He'd never be ready to lose Thor.

Not today, not tomorrow, not ever.

"Besides, the ground is unsuitable for digging at the moment," Loki continued, hiding behind dark jokes as usual. "I can't be expected to go out there and build a grave. I'll sink. It's like quicksand."

Thor said nothing, stroking his back.

Loki sighed.

"You should see a doctor," he tried for about the millionth time.

"They'll think I'm mad. _You_ think I'm mad."

"I think you're ill. It's not the same thing."

As for what kind of ill, he couldn't really say. Didn't know enough about it. PTSD probably. Untreated. Manifesting worse and worse.

Desperate measures might be needed, in time.

"It's just a different word," Thor said.

"Words are important. You know that. The Edda. The words of the Voluspa. You live your life by them."

You plan to die your death by them, he added internally.

Thor mumbled something that might have been an agreement.

That would do for now. Little steps. Thor was more stubborn than the goats and trying to force him into anything wouldn't work. He had to be gently nudged towards the idea that maybe the words were wrong. Or that his interpretation of them was wrong. Something.

Maybe he could convince him that he'd already 'died', metaphorically. He'd died when Balder did, leaving his old life behind. Maybe this was the time after Ragnarok, the gods slowly being reborn, a new life.

The difficulty would be making Thor think he'd thought of it. After all, he was Loki, the trickster. Nothing he said could be fully trusted.

Except one thing, maybe.

"I love you."

"I know," Thor said, kissing his scalp. "I love you too."

At least he seemed to genuinely believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll be going back to court tomorrow I'm afraid because I couldn't face writing another week of stress!


	38. Trial Pt III

_Loki got a space in Odin and Frigga's car the next morning when they came to take Volstagg back to court. Hilde and Val - she still preferred her chosen name to Brunnhilde - insisted they'd be fine without him._

_He probably wouldn't have been much help anyway. He'd be worrying too much._

_And he needed to go to the bank. Pay off his fees and fines sooner rather than later._

_It was strange to be carrying a wallet again. Wearing neat clothes. Trying to look respectable._

_Frigga sat in the back with him and gave him quite the interview. In a nice way, he supposed. Just a little intense. He told her about meeting Thor by chance in the pub that night. About agreeing to write the blog._

_"Oh, we know all about that," she said. "We read the whole thing as soon as we knew about it."_

_"It was good to know he'd been doing so well," Odin added from the driver's seat._

_"We couldn't believe how close by he was," Frigga said, voice full of regret. "If we'd just been in the city more often, gone to a market from time to time, we could have found him."_

_Loki wondered whether to tell her that he seriously doubted Thor would have gone home. He decided to keep it to himself. It might not be appreciated._

_"He's a good man," he said instead. "He looked after all of us. He's just... single-minded. And stubborn. And sometimes helping people meant completely disregarding the law."_

_"And you weren't really a cult, were you?"_

_Volstagg laughed from the front seat._

_"It still tickles me a little," he admitted. "Get a group of people living together a bit eccentrically and suddenly you're a cult. Just because Thor handled the money and had his own way of looking at the world."_

_Loki hesitated. He considered them a cult, all things considered. Maybe they weren't really; there were no rules about beliefs or praying or anything, but, well... It all had a distinctly cultish air to it all the same._

_Maybe if things had gone on a little longer... Or if Thor had been a more ambitious or power-hungry kind of guy..._

_"I told the police that so they'd think Thor was dangerous. So they'd keep him in custody. It seemed like the only option. And you did call yourselves the Chosen. If it looks like a cult and quacks like a cult..."_

_Volstagg just laughed and shook his head._

_People in the bank recognised him from the local papers. It was quite a surprise. He wasn't sure he liked it as he handed over the court order and set things in motion._

_He definitely didn't like the way people whispered and pointed when he slipped into the public gallery of the courtroom. Everyone knew who he was. What he'd done._

_Thor waved at him. Which was simultaneously sweet and mortifying._

_"Mr Odinson, could you please explain how you came to meet Heimdall Wachen and Sif Stoddard?"_

_"Before Uncle Bill died, before he got really sick, he volunteered at a soup kitchen. That's where I met him. You met a lot of people there, all different ages. Heimdall knew some people from when he was in care, would drop by sometimes to see them. I knew him by sight, not by name."_

_"And how did you come to be sheltering him and the child he kidnapped?"_

_Thor didn't miss a beat._

_"Sif is his sister. They've grown up together from the ages of three and eight. She was going to be sent halfway across the country, away from him, and she didn't want that."_

_"A twenty-year-old man removing a fifteen-year-old girl from her home is abduction, however much she may think she wanted to leave."_

_"She has spent her whole life being taken away from people she loved. Heimdall is her only family. They couch-surfed for a few years before he came looking for me and Uncle Bill, who had unfortunately passed on by then. They asked for help. I figured living safely with the ability to grow their own food was much better than staying on the streets."_

_That made sense, right? Everyone seemed to think so._

_But making sense wasn't enough. It was still a crime. And that meant he had to be punished._

_"Mr Odinson..." The judge heaved out a sigh. "While I have great sympathy for your position and believe you acted in good faith, the facts are that you knowingly harboured an immigrant outwith visa laws, a man convicted of embezzlement and an abductor. You deliberately concealed a death and committed pension fraud. You also have pled not guilty to these crimes on the basis that you do not recognise them as morally wrong. I have no choice but to pass a custodial sentence."_

_Three years. Very lenient, given the sheer number of crimes he'd committed. And there was something about the Mental Health Act there too. Help. Just what Loki had wanted._

_It still made his heart ache._

_Thor looked towards the gallery as he was led out, to his parents and Volstagg, but most of all Loki._

_"Don't worry," he said, smiling. "I'll be alright."_

_Loki hoped and prayed that that was true._


	39. The Night

Loki called the police at 3:47am on the 14th of March.

He'd always remember it, and not just because they would later repeat it in a court case dozens of times over.

The 13th had been relatively normal. They were in the full rush of the lambing season, blood and fluid seemingly everywhere. Little Hilde had been in trouble at school for giving an impromptu lesson in the playground on where exactly lambs came from and as punishment was not allowed in the shed with the babies, much to her chagrin.

It was cold, though. Dark early. The spring might be officially underway, but it was difficult to tell the difference; still raining, still freezing. Maybe there were a few more green shoots than there had been a few weeks ago, but nothing to shout about.

And maybe that was what had shredded Loki's nerves a little. A long, cold day, full of trying to keep lambs alive, trying to feed all the animals enough to keep them going. He'd been exhausted and starving by the time they got inside for dinner and it had been that soup made with winter barley that he would eat due to hunger but didn't much like.

At least falling into bed was pleasant, even if the thought of getting up and doing it all again in a matter of hours didn't exactly appeal.

He struggled to sleep, the warm weight of Thor providing surprisingly little comfort from the stinging behind his eyes. So tired... He must have reached that point of exhaustion where the body thinks there must be danger and defaults into staying awake.

Concentrating on his breathing, he somehow managed to drift off. He didn't dream. Too tired for that.

And suddenly he was wide awake again and Thor was gone. There was some residual heat where his body had lain, but he was not there.

Fear gripped Loki's heart like a vice, bile rising in his throat. No, no, no...

He leapt out of bed, not caring about the cold, not even paying attention to it. Maybe he'd just gone to the outhouse. Maybe that was all.

No visible light from the window. He could have switched his torch off? So as not to attract moths?

Shoving on his boots, Loki rushed outside. The door was only on the latch. Maybe he was just out there.

The night air was freezing, the sky completely clear, moonlight helping guide his way as he sprinted around the edge of the field towards the little building.

No one. Nothing. His breath misted in the air, chest aching, wiping tears that had sprung up in his eyes.

Thor, Thor... He'd said not today. He'd promised. But if it was past midnight, that was a new day, right? The power of words, a loophole.

Help was needed. What help? An ambulance could save his life now, but then they'd just send him back to try again...

The realisation came upon him suddenly. He needed Thor to be restrained. Locked up. Just for a little while. Just to make him get the help he kept refusing. They'd save his life and then keep him safe longer term...

It wasn't a good solution, but it was the only one he had.

Running back inside, through the door and up to their bedroom, he tried to think of what possible charges there would be. There had to be something. Maybe non-payment of council tax. Or... Well, Thor controlled all the money. He had everyone's bank details under his control. Was that fraud? That was probably fraud.

He'd have to sell it well. He'd have to spice things up maybe. Sell the more unusual side of their lifestyle. The cult side.

But the police wouldn't rush out in the middle of the night to a fraud case. They might not believe in a cult. What would they rush to? What would seem credible?

His hands trembled as he yanked open the drawer where he kept his things, the important ones, pulling out his phone and turning it on for the first time in... months? A year?

One bar of signal. He dialled 999, waited for the click.

"Emergency. What service do you require?"

"Police, please."

"Connecting now."

The few seconds' wait seemed interminable...

A new voice. "Hello, police."

"Uh... I need police right now."

What a stupid thing to say. Why else would he have called?

"And the nature of the emergency, sir?"

"There's... There's a young girl screaming. I think she's being hurt."

"The address, please?"

He rattled it off. Gave vague directions.

"And... And you're just passing by, sir?"

Ah. Crap. He needed a plausible excuse.

"I'm camping in the woods nearby. Please come quickly. She's stopped screaming, but I don't know if maybe that means she's unconscious or what..."

They assured him that they'd be there soon with medical help too. Domestic violence was serious, especially against children.

Right. Find Thor. Make him throw up or something - or was that the opposite of what you did for poisoning? It could cause choking. God, it probably depended on what he'd taken.

His footsteps were heavy with fear, Little Hilde standing in the hallway. He'd woken her up.

"What's happening?" she asked. "You look... You look scared."

He forced a smile.

"It's OK. It's all going to be OK. Go back to bed."

She blinked at him, her eyes so big and watery.

"You're lying," she said, unsure. "Why are you lying?"

Deep breaths. She was about to be caught up in a world of trouble and none of it was her fault. He crouched down, getting closer to her height.

"I'm sorry," he said.

There was a rattling sound from downstairs. The back door opening.

Loki stood up and rushed downstairs. And there was Thor, scraping the mud off his boots in the kitchen.

"What have you done?" Loki demanded, rushing to him. "What have you taken?"

Thor looked at him, baffled.

"What are you talking about?"

"What have you taken?!"

He shook his head, confused.

"Nothing. I went to check on the sheep, that's all. You worry too much."

"Can you blame me? I wake up and you're just gone. No note. No explanation. Knowing what I know, what the fuck was I supposed to think was happening, Thor?"

He hadn't exactly kept his voice soft. Upstairs, Johan started crying, and then there were footsteps, the whole house being woken up. Loki winced. Oh, God, they were all going to hate him...

"What's going on?" Fandral asked from the doorway, strangely cheerful, trying to diffuse the situation. "Can't you keep your lovers' tiffs for daylight hours?"

No. No, they couldn't. He'd set things in motion now. There was no stopping it. There wouldn't be daylight hours together for a long time.

Loki felt sick, almost stumbling into a chair, his breathing irregular.

"You feeling alright?"

The world was practically muffled. What had seemed like the only option suddenly seemed like pressing the nuclear button. The police were coming. Coming for them. And maybe... Maybe they'd just check everyone was alright, assume it was a false alarm and leave...

No. No, this was it.

Thor sat down beside him, taking his hand, speaking softly.

"What have you done, Loki?"

What had he done?

"I did what I thought was best. You need help. I can't live like this anymore. I needed to get you some help."

And there was Little Hilde, her face streaked with tears, practically trembling with fear.

"There's blue lights outside," she squeaked.

There was a hammering on the door.

"Police! Open up, please."

Loki stood up like a marionette, deliberately making his way through the hall, opening the door as calmly as he could.

They barged past him.

"Police, stay where you are!"

Despite it all, a sense of calm fell over Loki's whole being. Or maybe it was just numbness. He'd disrupted their lives, sure, but how bad could it be, really?

As his arms were pulled behind his back and his face hit the wall, he was almost sure that he'd done the right thing after all. And there was no going back now.

Thor might not have harmed himself today or tomorrow or even the day after that, but it was coming. He'd say it was fate. That he was fated to die.

Well, fuck you, fate.

There would be regret afterwards, of course, when he knew just how much he had devastated everyone else's lives. He'd destroyed their world. He might as well have caused Ragnarok. It had had the same effect.

But as he watched Thor being led out to a squad car, handcuffed and stunned but safe, he couldn't help but feel a weight had lifted from his chest.


	40. Last

_Loki went to visit Thor whenever he could. He was permitted to see him before his parents were. Thor couldn't face them at first, but he got more used to the idea as time went on._

_Therapy was good for him. Not immediately as Loki had hoped, but over time. He was an expert at something called compartmentalisation, which helped some people to set aside and deal with their issues, but in Thor's case meant he'd never grieved properly for his brother. He'd thrown himself into other things, other distractions, engaged in coping mechanisms that didn't address the base problem._

_In time, he was able to let it out. Little by little at first and then in a flood. The grief, the guilt - not only for Balder but also for running away, leaving his parents alone._

_Speaking of which, when Volstagg and Hilde's case for adverse possession fell through, Odin quietly bought the land and house. It wasn't worth much, he said. Loki doubted that. They had to sell their home to pay for it and the repairs necessary to make another wing habitable. They were moving in to better look after Thor. They'd always talked about retiring to the country after all. Frigga was going through a bit of a crisis as she got used to not having a washing machine, but they were adapting._

_There were meetings. Talks about support networks and follow-up care. Red flags. They didn't think Thor would be a danger to himself in the future, but sometimes relapses happened._

_Loki had never imagined such a life for himself. Everyone spoke to him like he was in charge somehow. As if he knew what he was doing! He had no idea really. He just followed Thor's instructions._

_Most of them. They did install an indoor toilet for one thing. But Thor didn't seem overly troubled when he was told._

_"Most of that stuff, the obsession, it was me trying to distract myself," he said, shaking his head. "I might still use the outhouse out of habit, but... Well, it is more hygienic, isn't it? And the business side of things is going well?"_

_Another change Loki hadn't expected to go down well. They still grew almost all their own food, but sold more. And there was a spare room, a suitable retreat for people wanting to step back from the pressures of the modern world a little._

_They wanted to save a bit more money, as a cushion but also for the children's future. Little Hilde would be going to middle school soon. It seemed terrifyingly close, but they had to start thinking now about whether she'd want to go to college or university. It would be good to at least have the option._

_"Yeah, good. And how are things... inside?"_

_"I'm trying to get permission to start a herb garden. I really think it would help some of the lads. Get them a bit of nature therapy. It's hard to be angry when you're growing rosemary. But the guards seem to think we'll grow hash in it or something..."_

_Classic Thor. Still trying to help people._

_"I miss you," Loki said. He always said that. It was always true._

_"I'll be out soon."_

_Yes, he would be. They'd get to go home. See Val and Sif and Volstagg and Hilde. Heimdall would be back before they knew it too. The judge had been surprisingly lenient with him._

_Not so with Fandral, unfortunately. It was all the years of running. That added on to his sentence._

_And Hilde was hopeful that since they were a properly registered farm produce company now that they'd be able to sponsor Hogun to come back as an employee, but Loki wasn't holding his breath. People who had already overstayed visas probably had more difficulty coming back. They'd been emailing though and he understood why Loki had done what he did. He forgave him for it._

_"Have you called your parents yet?" Thor asked out of nowhere._

_"Oh, I... Well, I've messaged them. They were a little embarrassed to see me on the news, but I think they're getting over it."_

_"Well..." Thor said slowly. "It was hardly the end of the world, surely"_

_Loki stared at him for a moment and laughed._

_"How long have you been waiting for an opportunity to say that?"_

_"A few months. I thought you'd like it."_

_Yeah. Yeah, he did._

_The waiting was horrible, but at least he was waiting for a good thing now. It was amazing what a difference that made._

_"I..." Thor started just as their time together was coming to a close. "I want to apologise for what I put you through. All the stress and worry. It's important to take responsibility."_

_"Oh, that... It's fine. You weren't well."_

_"Still. If you don't want an apology, maybe gratitude? For putting up with me. For saving me."_

_Loki was faintly embarrassed, trying not to blush._

_"Couldn't stand the idea of living without you. Not if I could help it."_

_Thor smiled at him like the feeling was entirely mutual._

_Maybe he would have got better without help, given enough time. Loki wouldn't have wanted to risk that though._

_And maybe he wouldn't ever get better. Not completely. But support would help regardless._

_And once he was out, the rest of them would have learned to spot the danger signs._

_It always hurt to see Thor taken away by the guards, even if he seemed utterly undisturbed by prison life. It still felt awful to think of him in there all alone with potential violence and hardly any outdoor time._

_But they'd get through._

_Make it through what they had, and you could probably get through most things._

_It was just a slightly different kind of survival skill, after all._

_Loki left the prison building, chuckling lightly._

_"Hardly the end of the world..." Oh, Thor._

_He was going to have to work hard to beat that one next time._


End file.
